Not sure what to do.

I put myself out there. I found my birth family. The only true connection left is with Sandra (birth mom.) I'm almost to the point of giving up on trying. Why keep trying to keep the connection? Why is it in my hands? If my birth family wants something to do with me, then they can call/text/message me on facebook. 

I'm just frustrated right now.

Blah

Well, my baby is sick, and I'm too scared to go to sleep.

I just had some random thoughts pop into my head. I had always hoped that I would find somebody like me. Meaning, that they think like me and act like me. There is nobody out there like that in my birth family. I'm still alone................. It sucks................

Walls, Anger, Hurt

Where should I start? Well, today marks three months since JA moved, and I feel my anger and resentment turning into hatred.  I think it is because of all of the lies and broken promises.  Promises that should have never been made.  It is also all of the mean words that have been spoken.  Maybe, it is just me putting up walls so that I no longer feel the hurt and pain any longer.  I'm sick of feeling it.  I'm sick of replaying the words that were said to me over and over again in my head.  All I hear now is broken promises.  I want to be spiteful, and I want to break my promises. 

We rarely talk now.  Maybe it is easier that way.  I don't know.  Maybe, we have both hurt each other too much.  I wonder if those wounds we inflicted will ever heal.  I don't think that they will because, to this day, we are still doing it.  I don't know what I want.  I don't know what will make this easier.  I don't know if I could handle no communication at all.  Actually, I know I can't.  The problem is, what little communication we do have, can be just as hurtful.  Hell, the lack of communication, in general, is hurtful.  Sometimes, I do wonder why I searched so hard.

I also found out another lie.  I thought we could talk about anything.  Well, he has had two friends pass away recently.  He told Anna more about them than he did me.  I guess we didn't talk as much as I had thought.  I guess we weren't as close as I thought.  It feels like that was a lie too.  That really fucking hurts.

I feel like raising my white flag at times, but then, a song pops into my head. It is called White Flag, and it is by Dido. I'm going to post the lyrics.  

 I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be.

I know that this is about a different kind of relationship, but it still fits in some ways.

That's all for now. I really don't feel like crying today. 

Saturday May 28, 2011

Well, the first full day of the reunion has gone pretty good. I feel completely comfortable around MA (grandma), H (grandpa), Uncle S, Sandra, and the girls.  I feel totally at home and at ease with them, but now Aunt Sh is here.  With all of the stupid comments she made the other night, I am still hurt and pissed off at her.  She made me question my relationship with my brother JA.  

I am so nervous about all of the people showing up, and I all I want is a comforting hug from my big brother.  The problem with that is, I know in Aunt Sh's fucked up thoughts, she will make it to be more than a hug.  Why don't people want me to be close to my siblings?  Oh wait, could it just be they don't want me to have a close relationship to JA because he is a boy, and I am a girl? He is my brother.  Would they have an issue if I hugged or had L, C, or M lay on my lap? No, they wouldn't.

It is already effecting the relationship I have with JA.  I was in the room writing in my journal, and I know JA is getting nervous about the large group of people that are going to be showing up, so I asked him if he wanted to chill in the room with me, and he said no and something to the effect of what would people think?  It is starting to really anger me.  

Maybe it is time for me to take a nap and collect my thoughts.

May 26, 2011

Well, I had planned on documenting this whole reunion thing, but I got lazy and didn't do it.

Things are going very well with JA. Him and his fiance have moved up here. JA and I are very close.  He is this perfect brother. I couldn't ask for more.  He fills that piece of me that was always gone.  I no longer feel partially empty.  I feel complete for the first time in my life. I thought I had felt complete with earlier reunions, but this one was different.  I think it is because we are so much alike.

I am so scared that something will change.  I'm scared that he'll be taken away like I was when I was a baby.  I'm worried that he will get tired of me.  I come up with stupid things in my head like they will get into a car accident.  I'm worried that a storm will come and pick me up.  I feel like the world is going to play a sick, cruel joke on me.  The joke being that when I am happy and finally have a full heart, it will be ripped away from me, and I will be left with nothing but despair.

Today scared me.  He seemed to be pulling away.  He didn't give me a hug as big as he normally does, and I was so happy to see that they hadn't made one of scenarios come to fruition. Then when I saw they were ok, I just wanted a huge hug, and he pulled away.  Immediately,  one thousand things started running through my head.  The emotions were ten times worse.  I felt hurt.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I felt that missing part of me rip away a little bit.  I literally, physically felt a piece of my heart tear.  It sounds stupid, but I can't help how I feel.  I don't know if it is just a part of my abandonment issues.  I'm so scared that he will see all of my fucked up issues and turn tail and run.  That is what people in my life do.  They hurt me, or they run when I need them the most.  

I think they are fighting again, and I think it has to do with me.  I am about ready to go sleep in my car.  I don't want them to fight, especially, if it has to do with me.  I've told her I don't want her to resent me.  Maybe me letting them watch the movie alone will help.  I don't know what to do to make them stop arguing.  They seem to argue so much since they moved up here.  I hate when they argue.  I wish they wouldn't.  I just wish I could help in some way.  I think they only thing that would help her was if I disappeared for a bit.  I couldn't be away from JA though. He is a part of my life now.  I would be just like if CS (my adoptive sister) or my mom disappeared from my life.  They still sound like they are arguing, and I hate the sound of it.  Itl ooks like this stupid pen is about to run out of ink.  

Well, it is time to watch a movie.  I will write more later..

One more thing. Would people be happier if me and JA hated each other?