Letting Go?

Hummm, where to start? Well, my prediction blog from a few months back came true. Me and my older brother texted a lot when he first moved, but that started dropping off about a month ago. We've only skyped twice.

I just need to let go a bit. If this is the way he wants to live his life, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, so be it. It's not like I've tried telling him to move, and to go where the money is, and where he can be most successful. Sure, I posted a blog on it, and some other not so nice stuff. I posted that here instead of saying it to him directly via text. For the past two months, I have been trying to make him feel better about what he did. I've covered up my own feelings, and I've lied. I don't like the fact that I lied to him, but I also didn't like him feeling like shit about himself.

I feel like I'm a glutton for punishment because I always wanted a big brother, and maybe this is why I put myself out there. I know a lot of older brothers torture (I use that term loosely) their younger siblings as children. We are adults though. I mean maybe it is all part of that bonding that we never had.

I can't help but feel like I've been rejected again. It has been like the fifth time. First, it was at birth. The second, third, and fourth time it was from J not accepting me for who I am. This is the fifth time. I'm done with putting myself out there. It is almost like I'm a masochist. I hate that. I was always a never put up with the bullshit type of girl. Now, it feels like that is half of my life. I've made excuses and stood up for my older brother.

As of that one infamous blog post, I was threatened to be sued. That is taking it too far. I refuse, now, to go down there. I've subjected myself to enough of the other person's shit (not my older brother.) Yes, blog stalker, go ahead and print this one off too. I'm not going to be threatened to be sued. Here... I'll go ahead and post the text I received, with date and time stamps.

April 3, 3:57pm - (other person) Remove my name from your blog just like you have been told

April 3, 3:58pm - (me) Nope. I removed the one post prior to that you had given me permission. Now that you have revoked it, it will not be used. And by the way you don't tell me what to do.

April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Remove from all of them

April 3, 3:59pm - (me) Nope. Read the previous text.

April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Will contact attorney then

April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Go for it as you have no case

April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Do not contact me again.

Now, I will also abide by this no contact thing, and that means not going down there to see my older brother and T. I do not have money to drive 8 hours and get a hotel room, especially with a new baby. Therefor, this is my only conclusion, as much as it saddens me to say it. Now, of course, this is just for now. Who knows what will happen in the future, whether it be near or far. For my own sanity, I need to let go a bit and expect nothing.

Wow, the audacity of people.

Unlike some people I know, I at least have had the balls to not "hide" my posts.. Guess what... I can still see those.....

Hummm

So, I will possibly be starting a new blog. I won't share that with anybody.. Nobody but a select few knew about this blog, and they stopped following years ago when I stopped writing in it. Now, to think of a new name. I really liked the Finding the Missing Me thing.... Oh well! :)

Why Search?

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Roller Coaster From Hell

They say that adoption reunion is a HUGE roller coaster... They weren't lying. You can go from a high to a low in just a few minutes! I have had one person that I have really connected to. He understood me.. That was my brother Jacob. He moved up here in May... Well, he is now moving back to Arkansas. He blindsided me in a text. I can't help but feel like I was lied to... For 7 months.... Make that 8...

I am at my ultimate low right now... At least all I can do is go up from here.. It really sucks losing the person that finally understood you... I know I'm not losing him per say, but we won't talk... Not that much. I know that. I knew that when he went back the first time after meeting him... We didn't talk that much at all... He said we'd skype all of the time. We did like twice. Then, he and his fiance moved up here.

I don't know what to do. It just hurts. I was blindsided by a text.... Plain and simple... He didn't even have the courtesy to tell me in person when he gets back tomorrow... Why? Did he not want to see my tears. Yes, I want him to be happy, but at the same time I'm hurt.. I always wanted a big brother... At least, I got one for 8 months.. He will always be my big brother, but he won't be here. He will be 8 hours away... He says we'll talk all of the time, and visit each other.... I honestly, don't see that happening like he says... Just another thing I need to get over.... It's times like these that I wonder why I ever searched....