Wow, I really do like to procrastinate. Sorry. S says I get that from her.
Oh, and I got to talk to my three sisters today for the first time!!! YAY!!!
Okay, where were we? Oh yes, the meeting. S called me on June 24, 2008. It was almost noon because I told her how I sleep in late. She had stayed the night at her sister's place. It's about 20 minutes or so from my house. Yes, insane, I have had an aunt that has lived by me this whole time. She came over, and we looked through some pictures, and did that normal stuff. We then had a dinner over at my mom's house. My mom really wanted to meet her and S really wanted to meet my mom. When we got to my mom's house I went upstairs and started digging through my baby pictures. I brought a bunch of them down, and we all went through them. My mom even had some extras so S got to take some home with her to show my sisters! Then my mom found some videos of me growing up. A dance recital and a orchestra recital. S taped them with her digital camera. It was really funny. We did that after dinner. Dinner went really great. Mom and S got along really well, and that made me happy.
We ended up staying over there pretty late. S gets up at 4am normally, and so she was really tired and headed back to her sister's house. Luckily, she was able to get a hold of her boss, and he let her have another day off of work. She got to stay another day. That made me so happy.
It was still so surreal at that point, and it actually still is really surreal.
Day 3 (really short day)
S and I got to talk a lot more that day. We asked each other a bunch of favorites questions, and her favorite color is lime green. Crazy to me. We talked about our favorite music and I played her that song Letter To My Mother. It made her cry, but she said it was because she loved it. She said that J used to play that type of music. It's insane to me, we still can't find him. It makes me wonder if he made it big or something. I really hope to do that someday. I really love singing, and she said that I got that from him. I guess he used to play guitar, so I get my instrument ability from him as well. I play violin extremely well, some guitar, some piano, some viola, some cello, some clarinet, and some flute. I really love playing instruments. It's kind of a passion that I haven't gotten to do in a really long time, and I seriously miss it.
Day 3 was when I got to the big question. I asked why she gave me up for adoption. She gave up my brother, but that was because she was fifteen. She kept one of my brothers who is about 3 years older then me, and she kept a younger brother who is 13 months younger. She said it was because she knew she couldn't take care of me. She told me a story about how her and J went and pawned a really nice guitar of his, and he pawned it for like 15 bucks to go get some food for the family. He went back to get it and the guy wouldn't sell it back to him for less then $150. It made me sad to hear that. I wish her life would have been better. Hopefully, together, my sisters and I can help her have a happier life. I also hope that having her in my life will be amazing for me as well. I'm sure it will be.
I really care for her already, but I haven't said I love you yet. I don't know if I can right now, it almost feels like I would be betraying my mom. My mom on the second day said she was a little worried that S would replace her. There's no way that can happen. I told her that, and she said she felt better hearing that. Nobody can replace my mother, but I hope that they will grow to be good friends. That's what I want from S. I want to be one of her best friends, and I hope that she's one of mine. I don't need another "mom" I have my mom. I wouldn't mind having another best friend like my mom though.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Meeting, Day 1
I wake up and it's noon. Oh shit runs through my mind about 20 times. How did I forget to set the alarm clock? I haven't cleaned my room. I haven't cleaned the desk. I haven't taken a shower, and she'll be here in an hour! I call my mom as I'm throwing things in the closet, and I start crying. She'll be here soon! My mom says just throw all the stuff in the closet and shut the door. Well, of course, why didn't I think of that? I think I still have that stuff in my closet from Monday! I hang up with my mom and next thing you know S is on the phone! She's at I-70 and 435. That's like I dunno, 30 minutes from my house. I hop into the shower after telling her how to get to 152 and 435. The phone rings again, and it's only been about 5 minutes. Jesus, this woman has a lead foot. Why didn't I inherit that? I tell her how to get to my house from 152. I wash my hair out, dry off, throw on some clothes, and wrap a towel around my head. Phone rings. She's here! I run outside to show her which apartment and she sees me. At this point, I no longer care that my house is semi-messy. My hair is wrapped in an old towel. She's HERE! I run down the stairs barefoot over god knows what and we still have our phones in our hands and we just give each other a big hug. She comes inside and I give her the grand tour of the house.
We sit down and we were looking at pictures. She said I looked like J's side of the family. I still swear we have the same eyes. We went through picture after picture. Then we started to play some Wii. I didn't want to but my son would not shut up about it! We talked while she played that. Then my fiancé got home, they talked for a bit, and I realized it was 4pm. We needed to get ready to go to eat. It ended up my mom, my grandma, S, my son, and nephew all went to Olive Garden. I shouldn't have allowed my nephew to come. I knew, full well, that my son and him would not get along or behave. I was right. I took them outside to have a talk with them, and S came with me. I think she may have felt a little uncomfortable around my mom without me there. We came back in and ate salad and breadsticks and our food. We made chit-chat and the normal stuff. We were ready for the bill when a friend of mine from work (I asked him to take care of us) came out and said everything but the alcohol had been taken care of. He said he wasn't supposed to say who, but I knew. I work at that Olive Garden. A few people came up to take a look and ask a question or two. We had our dessert to go then went home to get ready for T-ball.
When we were at the T-Ball game we asked the normal questions. How was your life. Things like that. We watched B (my son's) T-ball game. She took a bunch of pictures of me for my sisters, and I took a bunch of her for myself. Greedy me. When we got home she went to stay the night at her sister's house in Lee's Summit.
More to come on another day!
We sit down and we were looking at pictures. She said I looked like J's side of the family. I still swear we have the same eyes. We went through picture after picture. Then we started to play some Wii. I didn't want to but my son would not shut up about it! We talked while she played that. Then my fiancé got home, they talked for a bit, and I realized it was 4pm. We needed to get ready to go to eat. It ended up my mom, my grandma, S, my son, and nephew all went to Olive Garden. I shouldn't have allowed my nephew to come. I knew, full well, that my son and him would not get along or behave. I was right. I took them outside to have a talk with them, and S came with me. I think she may have felt a little uncomfortable around my mom without me there. We came back in and ate salad and breadsticks and our food. We made chit-chat and the normal stuff. We were ready for the bill when a friend of mine from work (I asked him to take care of us) came out and said everything but the alcohol had been taken care of. He said he wasn't supposed to say who, but I knew. I work at that Olive Garden. A few people came up to take a look and ask a question or two. We had our dessert to go then went home to get ready for T-ball.
When we were at the T-Ball game we asked the normal questions. How was your life. Things like that. We watched B (my son's) T-ball game. She took a bunch of pictures of me for my sisters, and I took a bunch of her for myself. Greedy me. When we got home she went to stay the night at her sister's house in Lee's Summit.
More to come on another day!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
An Adoption Song
This is a song about adoption that is really close to my heart. Whenever I wanted to search for S and J this is the song that would get me started. The song is by Edwin McCain.
"Letter To My Mother"
Mama, how do I write the words to you
You were the only one who loved me true
But there's a woman that we don't even know
She gave me life, then you gave me a home
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
I close my eyes, does she look like me
Does she need my help, is she cold on the street
Am I forgotten like a bad childhood dream
A B-movie actor on the black and white screen
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Is that her little boy still loves you
Could I have seen her, I'll never know
Maybe she's always been there watching me grow
I wanted to tell her how grateful I am
For giving me life, I've done the best that I can
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Her little boy still loves you
"Letter To My Mother"
Mama, how do I write the words to you
You were the only one who loved me true
But there's a woman that we don't even know
She gave me life, then you gave me a home
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
I close my eyes, does she look like me
Does she need my help, is she cold on the street
Am I forgotten like a bad childhood dream
A B-movie actor on the black and white screen
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Is that her little boy still loves you
Could I have seen her, I'll never know
Maybe she's always been there watching me grow
I wanted to tell her how grateful I am
For giving me life, I've done the best that I can
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Her little boy still loves you
My Feelings About Being Adopted
This is something that I haven't really talked about to many people, but I feel it is a huge part of my story. I don't think many people are reading, so that is what is allowing me to write this at this time.
I grew up in a normal nuclear family until I was around age twelve. I had always tried to figure out why my sister and I were only seven months apart, but in my young mind I never guessed one of us was adopted. I always looked like my mom. I looked more like my mom then my sister did. She has blond hair and blue eyes. She is tall and very thin. My mom and I both have dark hair and dark eyes. We are shorter in stature and we are not completely thin. We both have hazel eyes. We both even have hair on our legs that grows fast. Trust me, that is extremely annoying. When Mom told me that I was adopted thoughts ran through my head that she was lying. I thought my sister was adopted, and she was telling me I was because she thought I could handle it better then my sister. Later on, I gave into the fact that my mom never gave birth to me. As I grew up, I accepted this.
There were always things after I found out that made me compared my sister and myself. Whenever she got something better or more clothes for school, I blamed it on the fact that she was their biological child. Whenever my dad was more mean to me, I figured it was because I was not his blood. I didn't really go through abandonment issues until I found out that I was the only one she gave up for adoption. (My parents didn't know that she had given a boy up when she was fifteen.) I wondered why I was given up. My parents said that she had two boys that she kept. I wondered if it was because I was a girl. Why wouldn't a mother want her baby girl? I never understood, and I probably won't until later in this reunion. She has told me that it was because she couldn't take care of me. I will accept this. I now know it wasn't just because I was a girl. She has three other girls now that are in her life. I used to be angry with her, mainly because, I thought she had given me up for the wrong reasons. I don't know why I get angry sometimes. I think it is because when I'm mad at my parents I wonder what my life would have been like with her. She has told me that it wasn't good, and I believe her. It doesn't make me wonder any less, though.
There's always something else I've wondered. What would it have been like to grow up with an older brother? I'm the oldest child in my family. Well, there's only two of us and my sister is younger so that makes me, of course, the oldest. I don't know if it is some kind of bond that I still have with my birth family, but I've always thought about an older brother. I never wanted an older sister. I wanted an older brother who would protect me when a boy was picking on me. I wanted an older brother who would go kick some guys ass because he had broke my heart. My dad was never that sort of man. He would just rather not get involved in the fact that I even had a boyfriend. That, of course, was when I was younger. Now that I'm older, he loves the fact that I'm engaged.
I wonder if it's every adoptee who feels this way. Wonders if they weren't good enough or loved enough. I hope that's not the reason that anybody is put up for adoption, but to think that, is to be naive. It does happen. I just hope that's not the beginning to my story.
I grew up in a normal nuclear family until I was around age twelve. I had always tried to figure out why my sister and I were only seven months apart, but in my young mind I never guessed one of us was adopted. I always looked like my mom. I looked more like my mom then my sister did. She has blond hair and blue eyes. She is tall and very thin. My mom and I both have dark hair and dark eyes. We are shorter in stature and we are not completely thin. We both have hazel eyes. We both even have hair on our legs that grows fast. Trust me, that is extremely annoying. When Mom told me that I was adopted thoughts ran through my head that she was lying. I thought my sister was adopted, and she was telling me I was because she thought I could handle it better then my sister. Later on, I gave into the fact that my mom never gave birth to me. As I grew up, I accepted this.
There were always things after I found out that made me compared my sister and myself. Whenever she got something better or more clothes for school, I blamed it on the fact that she was their biological child. Whenever my dad was more mean to me, I figured it was because I was not his blood. I didn't really go through abandonment issues until I found out that I was the only one she gave up for adoption. (My parents didn't know that she had given a boy up when she was fifteen.) I wondered why I was given up. My parents said that she had two boys that she kept. I wondered if it was because I was a girl. Why wouldn't a mother want her baby girl? I never understood, and I probably won't until later in this reunion. She has told me that it was because she couldn't take care of me. I will accept this. I now know it wasn't just because I was a girl. She has three other girls now that are in her life. I used to be angry with her, mainly because, I thought she had given me up for the wrong reasons. I don't know why I get angry sometimes. I think it is because when I'm mad at my parents I wonder what my life would have been like with her. She has told me that it wasn't good, and I believe her. It doesn't make me wonder any less, though.
There's always something else I've wondered. What would it have been like to grow up with an older brother? I'm the oldest child in my family. Well, there's only two of us and my sister is younger so that makes me, of course, the oldest. I don't know if it is some kind of bond that I still have with my birth family, but I've always thought about an older brother. I never wanted an older sister. I wanted an older brother who would protect me when a boy was picking on me. I wanted an older brother who would go kick some guys ass because he had broke my heart. My dad was never that sort of man. He would just rather not get involved in the fact that I even had a boyfriend. That, of course, was when I was younger. Now that I'm older, he loves the fact that I'm engaged.
I wonder if it's every adoptee who feels this way. Wonders if they weren't good enough or loved enough. I hope that's not the reason that anybody is put up for adoption, but to think that, is to be naive. It does happen. I just hope that's not the beginning to my story.
Amazing Adoption Quotes
Here are some adoption quotes, poems, and songs. These are quotes that have meaning to me. Special meanings. I won't explain them to anybody, but I thought I would share them.
"Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute. You didn't grow under my heart, but in it"
"There are ex-husbands and ex-wives but there are no ex-moms, ex-dads or ex-children" - Anon
By Elaine Rideau Tomlin
In the stillness of the morning -
In the hush before the dawn -
A cry screams through the silence -
And a new life has been born.
And she wonders what will happen -
To her newborn baby girl -
How she wishes she could keep her -
And protect her from the worl.
But she knows that there are "others" -
Who would gladly give the world -
To have the chance to hold and love -
Her precious little girl.
And she prays to God for guidance -
As she holds that tiny hand -
With the desperate hope that someday -
Her child will understand.
So she bravely signs the papers -
And the tears fall from her eyes -
As she signs away her baby -
The light inside her dies.
One last kiss she gives her darling -
For the "others" have now come -
To claim the life she gave them -
Now a family has begun.
And with heavy heart she watches -
As they hold "their" little girl -
How she wishes she could somehow share -
A small part of their world.
But she knows this will not happen -
That for her it cannot be -
And always she will wonder -
About the child she'll never see.
NOW the times, they are a'changing -
And a new dawn has begun -
Soon ALL will be together -
With new hope for everyone.
© Copyright Elaine Rideau Tomlin...Adoptee...1986
"Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute. You didn't grow under my heart, but in it"
"There are ex-husbands and ex-wives but there are no ex-moms, ex-dads or ex-children" - Anon
By Elaine Rideau Tomlin
In the stillness of the morning -
In the hush before the dawn -
A cry screams through the silence -
And a new life has been born.
And she wonders what will happen -
To her newborn baby girl -
How she wishes she could keep her -
And protect her from the worl.
But she knows that there are "others" -
Who would gladly give the world -
To have the chance to hold and love -
Her precious little girl.
And she prays to God for guidance -
As she holds that tiny hand -
With the desperate hope that someday -
Her child will understand.
So she bravely signs the papers -
And the tears fall from her eyes -
As she signs away her baby -
The light inside her dies.
One last kiss she gives her darling -
For the "others" have now come -
To claim the life she gave them -
Now a family has begun.
And with heavy heart she watches -
As they hold "their" little girl -
How she wishes she could somehow share -
A small part of their world.
But she knows this will not happen -
That for her it cannot be -
And always she will wonder -
About the child she'll never see.
NOW the times, they are a'changing -
And a new dawn has begun -
Soon ALL will be together -
With new hope for everyone.
© Copyright Elaine Rideau Tomlin...Adoptee...1986
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