Not sure what to do.

I put myself out there. I found my birth family. The only true connection left is with Sandra (birth mom.) I'm almost to the point of giving up on trying. Why keep trying to keep the connection? Why is it in my hands? If my birth family wants something to do with me, then they can call/text/message me on facebook. 

I'm just frustrated right now.

Blah

Well, my baby is sick, and I'm too scared to go to sleep.

I just had some random thoughts pop into my head. I had always hoped that I would find somebody like me. Meaning, that they think like me and act like me. There is nobody out there like that in my birth family. I'm still alone................. It sucks................

Walls, Anger, Hurt

Where should I start? Well, today marks three months since JA moved, and I feel my anger and resentment turning into hatred.  I think it is because of all of the lies and broken promises.  Promises that should have never been made.  It is also all of the mean words that have been spoken.  Maybe, it is just me putting up walls so that I no longer feel the hurt and pain any longer.  I'm sick of feeling it.  I'm sick of replaying the words that were said to me over and over again in my head.  All I hear now is broken promises.  I want to be spiteful, and I want to break my promises. 

We rarely talk now.  Maybe it is easier that way.  I don't know.  Maybe, we have both hurt each other too much.  I wonder if those wounds we inflicted will ever heal.  I don't think that they will because, to this day, we are still doing it.  I don't know what I want.  I don't know what will make this easier.  I don't know if I could handle no communication at all.  Actually, I know I can't.  The problem is, what little communication we do have, can be just as hurtful.  Hell, the lack of communication, in general, is hurtful.  Sometimes, I do wonder why I searched so hard.

I also found out another lie.  I thought we could talk about anything.  Well, he has had two friends pass away recently.  He told Anna more about them than he did me.  I guess we didn't talk as much as I had thought.  I guess we weren't as close as I thought.  It feels like that was a lie too.  That really fucking hurts.

I feel like raising my white flag at times, but then, a song pops into my head. It is called White Flag, and it is by Dido. I'm going to post the lyrics.  

 I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be.

I know that this is about a different kind of relationship, but it still fits in some ways.

That's all for now. I really don't feel like crying today. 

Saturday May 28, 2011

Well, the first full day of the reunion has gone pretty good. I feel completely comfortable around MA (grandma), H (grandpa), Uncle S, Sandra, and the girls.  I feel totally at home and at ease with them, but now Aunt Sh is here.  With all of the stupid comments she made the other night, I am still hurt and pissed off at her.  She made me question my relationship with my brother JA.  

I am so nervous about all of the people showing up, and I all I want is a comforting hug from my big brother.  The problem with that is, I know in Aunt Sh's fucked up thoughts, she will make it to be more than a hug.  Why don't people want me to be close to my siblings?  Oh wait, could it just be they don't want me to have a close relationship to JA because he is a boy, and I am a girl? He is my brother.  Would they have an issue if I hugged or had L, C, or M lay on my lap? No, they wouldn't.

It is already effecting the relationship I have with JA.  I was in the room writing in my journal, and I know JA is getting nervous about the large group of people that are going to be showing up, so I asked him if he wanted to chill in the room with me, and he said no and something to the effect of what would people think?  It is starting to really anger me.  

Maybe it is time for me to take a nap and collect my thoughts.

May 26, 2011

Well, I had planned on documenting this whole reunion thing, but I got lazy and didn't do it.

Things are going very well with JA. Him and his fiance have moved up here. JA and I are very close.  He is this perfect brother. I couldn't ask for more.  He fills that piece of me that was always gone.  I no longer feel partially empty.  I feel complete for the first time in my life. I thought I had felt complete with earlier reunions, but this one was different.  I think it is because we are so much alike.

I am so scared that something will change.  I'm scared that he'll be taken away like I was when I was a baby.  I'm worried that he will get tired of me.  I come up with stupid things in my head like they will get into a car accident.  I'm worried that a storm will come and pick me up.  I feel like the world is going to play a sick, cruel joke on me.  The joke being that when I am happy and finally have a full heart, it will be ripped away from me, and I will be left with nothing but despair.

Today scared me.  He seemed to be pulling away.  He didn't give me a hug as big as he normally does, and I was so happy to see that they hadn't made one of scenarios come to fruition. Then when I saw they were ok, I just wanted a huge hug, and he pulled away.  Immediately,  one thousand things started running through my head.  The emotions were ten times worse.  I felt hurt.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I felt that missing part of me rip away a little bit.  I literally, physically felt a piece of my heart tear.  It sounds stupid, but I can't help how I feel.  I don't know if it is just a part of my abandonment issues.  I'm so scared that he will see all of my fucked up issues and turn tail and run.  That is what people in my life do.  They hurt me, or they run when I need them the most.  

I think they are fighting again, and I think it has to do with me.  I am about ready to go sleep in my car.  I don't want them to fight, especially, if it has to do with me.  I've told her I don't want her to resent me.  Maybe me letting them watch the movie alone will help.  I don't know what to do to make them stop arguing.  They seem to argue so much since they moved up here.  I hate when they argue.  I wish they wouldn't.  I just wish I could help in some way.  I think they only thing that would help her was if I disappeared for a bit.  I couldn't be away from JA though. He is a part of my life now.  I would be just like if CS (my adoptive sister) or my mom disappeared from my life.  They still sound like they are arguing, and I hate the sound of it.  Itl ooks like this stupid pen is about to run out of ink.  

Well, it is time to watch a movie.  I will write more later..

One more thing. Would people be happier if me and JA hated each other?

Thursday December 18, 2008

 R finally made contact.  A quick comment on myspace.  "Just checking in to see what's up." I responded with, "too much to leave in one comment. you?"  No response, as of yet.  Go figure.  It feels like he sent just enough to get my hopes up.  Now, it is a wait and see game all over again.  All I want to know is, why initiate it if you don't want to continue it?  I will probably never understand.  The bigger problem is that I will never confront him about it because I don't want to scare him off.

November 21, 2008

I've decided to post some entries from my personal journal. I still have yet to figure out what I want to write for my more recent posts.

(Beginning of journal.)

I figured, after that hospital stay and the doctor saying it was stress, it was time to get a journal. Keeping a journal has always been a stress reliever for me. It helps to just let it all out. It clears all of the crap out of my head that is just swirling around in there.  My head is constantly a jumbled up mess. Thoughts constantly racing around. I'm always over-analyzing things. One phrase or comment can sit in my brain for weeks. I think of a hundred different meanings to it, and I can always turn it into something absolutely horrible.

Let's get down to some of the jumbled up crap. It all started in June. I found my biological mother Sandra. I found her the day before my 25th birthday. June 12, 2008. The first phone call was wonderful. She said, "I have been thinking about you, praying for you, and wondering where you have been for 25 years. Well, 25 years tomorrow." I was amazed that she had remembered my birthday. I don't know why I didn't think she would. Maybe it is because for 25 years, I celebrated my birthday with my mom. She didn't have me to celebrate with. I guess, I figured if you don't celebrate something every year, then you forget.  I don't know if she did something each year for my birthday. I still don't know if she did because I have never asked.  I think I am too afraid to hear that she didn't even think about me on that day.  I am afraid to hear that she tried to forget about that day.  I honestly don't know what I would do if faced with that situation.  I don't know if I would want to remember the day I relinquished my child.  I think it would cause too much pain.  Then again, I don't think I could ever forget.  I don't think I could ever forget the child that I carried for nine months.  The child that kicked me, that I talked to, sang to, and read to.  Sandra has my total respect. She made it through something that I don't think a lot of people could even think of doing.  

Our first face-to-face meeting went just as good.  I was so nervous.  I didn't know if we should hug or shake hands.  When she called and said she was at my apartment, I went outside.  She parked her minivan. My heart was pounding. It felt like it would beat right out of my chest.  I still wasn't quite sure how to greet her.  Then she got out.  I ran down the stairs, and we ran up to each other and hugged.  It was completely natural for me.  We were both crying.  We just stood there holding each other.  I immediately felt a connection to her.  It was like I had found the part of me that had been missing.  I had always had that small void even before I found out I was adopted. I wasn't sure why I had felt it, but I had never felt totally complete.  When I found out I was adopted, I finally began to understand what that feeling had been.  I don't know why I had that missing part. I had a good childhood.  Sure, my dad wasn't always around, but my mom was AMAZING.  She was my best friend, and she still is.  Now that I am older, however, I am starting to realize that it was that bond.  No matter how many years we were separated, Sandra and I will always have that bond.  Most people will never understand it, and quite a few probably won't believe it, but Sandra and I did bond.  We bonded for those nine months that I was in her womb. 25 years separated didn't even break that bond.

The first meeting went wonderfully the entire time.  She was completely open and honest with me.  She answered every question that I asked.  She answered one of the most important questions.  Why did you give me up for adoption?  The answer was simple.  We couldn't take care of you, and we wanted better for you.  Those were the sweetest words I ever heard.  I was always so worried that I was given up because I wasn't wanted.

I also found out something I had always wondered about, my brothers and sisters.  I found out I have a brother named L. He is thirty.  Sandra gave him up for adoption when she was fifteen.  She said she found him a few years ago, but she was still in a bad place in her life.  I'm not sure what went wrong in their reunion, but they are no longer speaking.  She is not sure where he is, but she gave me his full name and where he last lived.  I have two full brothers. JA and T.  JA will be 28 in December, and T turned 24 in July.

That's all for tonight.  I'll write more next time about my siblings, but right now, I'm about to fall asleep.  It doesn't help that my hand seriously hurts from writing.  

Letting Go?

Hummm, where to start? Well, my prediction blog from a few months back came true. Me and my older brother texted a lot when he first moved, but that started dropping off about a month ago. We've only skyped twice.

I just need to let go a bit. If this is the way he wants to live his life, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, so be it. It's not like I've tried telling him to move, and to go where the money is, and where he can be most successful. Sure, I posted a blog on it, and some other not so nice stuff. I posted that here instead of saying it to him directly via text. For the past two months, I have been trying to make him feel better about what he did. I've covered up my own feelings, and I've lied. I don't like the fact that I lied to him, but I also didn't like him feeling like shit about himself.

I feel like I'm a glutton for punishment because I always wanted a big brother, and maybe this is why I put myself out there. I know a lot of older brothers torture (I use that term loosely) their younger siblings as children. We are adults though. I mean maybe it is all part of that bonding that we never had.

I can't help but feel like I've been rejected again. It has been like the fifth time. First, it was at birth. The second, third, and fourth time it was from J not accepting me for who I am. This is the fifth time. I'm done with putting myself out there. It is almost like I'm a masochist. I hate that. I was always a never put up with the bullshit type of girl. Now, it feels like that is half of my life. I've made excuses and stood up for my older brother.

As of that one infamous blog post, I was threatened to be sued. That is taking it too far. I refuse, now, to go down there. I've subjected myself to enough of the other person's shit (not my older brother.) Yes, blog stalker, go ahead and print this one off too. I'm not going to be threatened to be sued. Here... I'll go ahead and post the text I received, with date and time stamps.

April 3, 3:57pm - (other person) Remove my name from your blog just like you have been told

April 3, 3:58pm - (me) Nope. I removed the one post prior to that you had given me permission. Now that you have revoked it, it will not be used. And by the way you don't tell me what to do.

April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Remove from all of them

April 3, 3:59pm - (me) Nope. Read the previous text.

April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Will contact attorney then

April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Go for it as you have no case

April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Do not contact me again.

Now, I will also abide by this no contact thing, and that means not going down there to see my older brother and T. I do not have money to drive 8 hours and get a hotel room, especially with a new baby. Therefor, this is my only conclusion, as much as it saddens me to say it. Now, of course, this is just for now. Who knows what will happen in the future, whether it be near or far. For my own sanity, I need to let go a bit and expect nothing.

Wow, the audacity of people.

Unlike some people I know, I at least have had the balls to not "hide" my posts.. Guess what... I can still see those.....

Hummm

So, I will possibly be starting a new blog. I won't share that with anybody.. Nobody but a select few knew about this blog, and they stopped following years ago when I stopped writing in it. Now, to think of a new name. I really liked the Finding the Missing Me thing.... Oh well! :)

Why Search?

?

Roller Coaster From Hell

They say that adoption reunion is a HUGE roller coaster... They weren't lying. You can go from a high to a low in just a few minutes! I have had one person that I have really connected to. He understood me.. That was my brother Jacob. He moved up here in May... Well, he is now moving back to Arkansas. He blindsided me in a text. I can't help but feel like I was lied to... For 7 months.... Make that 8...

I am at my ultimate low right now... At least all I can do is go up from here.. It really sucks losing the person that finally understood you... I know I'm not losing him per say, but we won't talk... Not that much. I know that. I knew that when he went back the first time after meeting him... We didn't talk that much at all... He said we'd skype all of the time. We did like twice. Then, he and his fiance moved up here.

I don't know what to do. It just hurts. I was blindsided by a text.... Plain and simple... He didn't even have the courtesy to tell me in person when he gets back tomorrow... Why? Did he not want to see my tears. Yes, I want him to be happy, but at the same time I'm hurt.. I always wanted a big brother... At least, I got one for 8 months.. He will always be my big brother, but he won't be here. He will be 8 hours away... He says we'll talk all of the time, and visit each other.... I honestly, don't see that happening like he says... Just another thing I need to get over.... It's times like these that I wonder why I ever searched....

Random thoughts!

It has been 16 days since I last saw my brother, and I miss him terribly. It is like a piece of me was taken away when he left. It is hard to explain, and I don't have anybody I can really talk to about it. Jacob is moving up here the weekend of April 22 (we hope.) It feels like that is an eternity away. It is harder to stay connected on the internet especially if you are like me. I usually have at least 4 different tabs open that I am surfing at one point or another. You have something that needs to be taken care of, and you walk away from the computer. We've only skyped twice since they left. I also miss Shelly. It's hard, but I know it will be better here soon.

I think that the closeness of me and Jacob has effected the relationship I have with A. It feels like she is distancing herself from me a bit. I hope that isn't true, but that is what it feels like. I don't know why me and Jacob have such a strong connection, but I'm glad we do. I hope it never changes. They say the intensity will wear down in six months to a year, but I hope it doesn't. I don't know. It is frustrating being so far away. It scares me that we may lose that strong connection we had when he was here. I hope it is the same when he gets back. Ugh, so many crazy thoughts running through my head right now. I just wish we would talk online as much as we did when he first left. We would spend HOURS talking, and I know he is packing and preparing for the move with Shelly. I know he has a life, but I feel like I'm not a big part of it right now. Yes, I know that is silly.

Well, that is all for now. I'll try updating more frequently.

The Older Brother

For those that have read my posts in the past, you know I've always wanted a big brother. I have one. I met him on March 20, 2011. The connection with him is something I never expected.

I have asked and he has given me permission to use his name, so he will no longer be known as JB.. He is now Jacob. My birth mother formally known as S has given me permission to use her first name as well. She will now be known as Sandra.

We'll start from the beginning. Jacob, Shelly (Jacob's fiance,) and Sandra all came up for a visit. Jacob hadn't seen Sandra in I think 22 years. I'm not going to tell his story because it is his to tell. Not mine.

I remember I called them about 5 times in an hour and a half. I was so paranoid cause me and mom were trying to get the house cleaned, and we still hadn't gotten ready! I called and Sandra said they were in Harrisonville. That is only about 40 minutes from my house. They had made it from Arkansas to Missouri in about 5 1/2 hours. We had gotten the house cleaned, and I told mom I was going to do my hair and makeup. I did my makeup and my hair, and she was still cleaning the kitchen. I then washed her hair for her in the sink, and she got changed. They were there 5 minutes after we got done. Luckily, dinner wasn't for another hour. I asked mom to video our reunion. She messed up the video though, but it is ok. I will always remember that meeting. I saw the car pull up, and I yelled at mom to get over to the door. I had stepped on glass a few days before, but I still managed to limp/run over to Jacob. We hugged for what felt like five minutes. I had a permanent smile glued to my face, and my cheeks started to hurt. I finally had the brother I always wanted.

We got introductions out of the way, and we started visiting. That is when A (half sister) got there. They hugged, and then we started taking pictures. Sandra and I got caught up, and then we went to dinner. We went to GoJo's Steakhouse. It was the same place Anna and I had met. It seemed fitting. Sandra, my mom, step-dad, son, A, her fiance, Jacob, Shelly, and I all went there. It is an amazing Japanese steakhouse. We ate dinner, and we laughed and talked. It was a little hard to hear each other, but we got to talk a bit more in the car since Jacob, Sandra, and Shelly all rode with me.

Most things are a blur for me, like what days what things happened and such. Sandra's sister came over and so did her husband. Our cousin was also there. I can't remember if that was the first night or the second night. I think it was the second night. I think it was great for Jacob because they filled in some memories for him.

The third day we went to A's house, and she showed Jacob and Shelly the land that her and her fiance live on. We rented and watched The Fighter, and we all talked. It was a chilly and somewhat rainy day outside, but it didn't matter. We still walked around talking and having fun. Jacob and A's fiance seemed to get along really great. It's always good when a sibling gets along with your significant other. It makes things a lot easier. We ended up heading back to my mom's house because she had made a special meal for everybody. She made pork tenderloin, baked potatoes, broccoli and cheese, and salad. I noticed then that Jacob and I had one weird thing in common. We both ate our broccoli and cheese first, then munched on salad, then the potato, then he ate meat (I didn't get any,) and then the rest of the salad. The funny part was after all of that we both ate the rest of our potato, skin and all! Nobody else in my family does that, so it was funny to me.

The next night we all went out to the casino. It was a great time, but you could feel the sadness in the air because they were going to leave the next day. Our cousin and her boyfriend were the only ones to win, but I didn't care. We left the casino, and Shelly got a picture of Jacob and me in a phone booth. We were walking out to the car, and you could tell something was wrong with Jacob. Shelly and I just kept looking at him, but he said he didn't want to talk about it. That is when he decided that they were staying longer.

The rest of the time we stayed in and hung out. We got to talk a lot, and we got to know each other better. I'm probably getting a lot of the things confused, but I really don't care about that.

The most important part to me is that this is the strongest connection I have made so far. We are alike in so many different ways. My heart finally feels full because it feels like that part that was missing is finally complete. I know I still have other siblings to meet, but I'm just so happy that this reunion has gone so well. My husband has said that he hasn't seen me this happy in a long time.

I have so many more stories to tell, but those will have to be saved for another time. I will also try and keep up with this blog more because I really want to remember everything I can.

My luck

I never thought of myself as lucky...

I've read too many horror stories of birth family reunions to know that with my bad luck.. I was probably going to just be another statistic...

I, however, was not unlucky... I'm actually quite lucky. I'm going to go into how it has been going.. Let me just refresh your memories on how I "name" these people..

S - Birth Mother
J - Birth Father
A - Birth Sister
L - Birth Sister
M - Birth Sister
C - Birth Sister
S - Birth Sister
JB - Birth Brother
R - Birth Brother
T - Birth Brother

I will work on talking to them about using their first names... That way it will be a tad less confusing..

It has been a very long time since I've written here. I had actually forgotten that I had this blog... Well, enough of that. Let's get into the story...

I'm going to start where I left off. I contacted A.. We finally met at a place called GoJo's Steakhouse... She walked in, and I knew exactly who she was. We were all sitting there eating, and we ordered the same foods... Sometimes we even did the same special order... Like none of this but more of that.. It freaked me out! When we spoke to each other it was like I had known her all of my life... She understood me, and I understood her... She has the same sense of humor as me, and she likes a lot of the same things I like.. How crazy is that?

I know there is this whole nature vs. nurture debate, but I mean COME ON! Me and A were raised in very different households... We had never met before, and we have the same tastes in music, men, food, movies, and a few other things.. Clothes is not one of them.. She doesn't dress up that often, but when she does... She is STUNNING...

We were eating and having a great time.. We even took a picture together.. Well, more then one... I just sat there thinking, how could there be somebody out there who is soooo like me.... It is the most surreal feeling out there.

After dinner, we promised we would keep in contact, and we have ever since... She came to my wedding, and she danced with me.. I was there through her daughter's open heart surgery.. Her birthday is today... We didn't get to see each other, but we did talk on the phone for a bit...

I'm so happy that I found A.. She is like me in so many ways, and she understands me.. She wants this reunion just as much as I do... I hope that it continues like this until the day we die...

I've been told that there are a lot of ups and downs with reunions, but I've only had ups so far with A.. I hope it stays that way...

I'll be posting more often on some of the stories that have happened along this journey... Enjoy!

A sister

Well, I initiated contact with my sister, A. I sent her a message on MySpace. She seems much more into contact. We’ve already sent three or four messages back and forth. Maybe she can be the one to help connect me and R (my brother.) Hopefully, we can all have a good relationship one day.

I don’t really know how I feel. It’s odd, seeing somebody with my chin. My mom almost fell on the floor when she saw A. She said, that is definitely your sister.

I don’t have much else to write at this time. Except, I’m thrilled!

Terrified

I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of rejection. As most of you know I'm on this whole reunion roller coaster, and I'm terrified that they won't like me. I'm terrified they won't want to be in contact with me.

Why am I so terrified? I have a great family. I have a wonderful sister and mother and father. Why do I need to be accepted by these people that I don't know?

I think the thing I'm most terrified of is not being able to be around my siblings. When I found out I was adopted I wanted to meet my brothers and sisters. That was my main thing. It always has been and it always will be, but now that I've found some of them, I'm so worried that they won't want me in their lives. I still have 5 more that I need to either find or talk to, and I'm so scared that when I do they will reject me. I found out I have 9 biological siblings. NINE, that is just insane, and I know most of the don't know about me. I know for a fact that all but three didn't know about me. The only three who did were my biological sisters from my biological mother. I'm not even sure they knew about me until I made contact. It sucks being hidden. It sucks that people don't remember me or didn't know I existed. It sucks having to be the one to break the news to them that they have more siblings or that they have another one to add to the list.

I found my biological brother, and I'm scared to death to contact him anymore. I don't want to interrupt his life, and I don't want to interrupt anymore of their lives. The problem is there's something inside me that says you have to do this. You have to find them. Then as soon as I do I'm terrified of what they outcome may be. I'm scared that after the initial contact they'll shy away from me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I was so excited, but now I'm in shock. I don't know how to process all of this, and it is starting to stress me out.

How do I not intrude? How can I integrate myself into this new life? How can I get over the fear of being rejected by my siblings?

Meeting Day 2 and 3 All In One!

Wow, I really do like to procrastinate. Sorry. S says I get that from her.

Oh, and I got to talk to my three sisters today for the first time!!! YAY!!!

Okay, where were we? Oh yes, the meeting. S called me on June 24, 2008. It was almost noon because I told her how I sleep in late. She had stayed the night at her sister's place. It's about 20 minutes or so from my house. Yes, insane, I have had an aunt that has lived by me this whole time. She came over, and we looked through some pictures, and did that normal stuff. We then had a dinner over at my mom's house. My mom really wanted to meet her and S really wanted to meet my mom. When we got to my mom's house I went upstairs and started digging through my baby pictures. I brought a bunch of them down, and we all went through them. My mom even had some extras so S got to take some home with her to show my sisters! Then my mom found some videos of me growing up. A dance recital and a orchestra recital. S taped them with her digital camera. It was really funny. We did that after dinner. Dinner went really great. Mom and S got along really well, and that made me happy.

We ended up staying over there pretty late. S gets up at 4am normally, and so she was really tired and headed back to her sister's house. Luckily, she was able to get a hold of her boss, and he let her have another day off of work. She got to stay another day. That made me so happy.

It was still so surreal at that point, and it actually still is really surreal.

Day 3 (really short day)

S and I got to talk a lot more that day. We asked each other a bunch of favorites questions, and her favorite color is lime green. Crazy to me. We talked about our favorite music and I played her that song Letter To My Mother. It made her cry, but she said it was because she loved it. She said that J used to play that type of music. It's insane to me, we still can't find him. It makes me wonder if he made it big or something. I really hope to do that someday. I really love singing, and she said that I got that from him. I guess he used to play guitar, so I get my instrument ability from him as well. I play violin extremely well, some guitar, some piano, some viola, some cello, some clarinet, and some flute. I really love playing instruments. It's kind of a passion that I haven't gotten to do in a really long time, and I seriously miss it.

Day 3 was when I got to the big question. I asked why she gave me up for adoption. She gave up my brother, but that was because she was fifteen. She kept one of my brothers who is about 3 years older then me, and she kept a younger brother who is 13 months younger. She said it was because she knew she couldn't take care of me. She told me a story about how her and J went and pawned a really nice guitar of his, and he pawned it for like 15 bucks to go get some food for the family. He went back to get it and the guy wouldn't sell it back to him for less then $150. It made me sad to hear that. I wish her life would have been better. Hopefully, together, my sisters and I can help her have a happier life. I also hope that having her in my life will be amazing for me as well. I'm sure it will be.

I really care for her already, but I haven't said I love you yet. I don't know if I can right now, it almost feels like I would be betraying my mom. My mom on the second day said she was a little worried that S would replace her. There's no way that can happen. I told her that, and she said she felt better hearing that. Nobody can replace my mother, but I hope that they will grow to be good friends. That's what I want from S. I want to be one of her best friends, and I hope that she's one of mine. I don't need another "mom" I have my mom. I wouldn't mind having another best friend like my mom though.

The Meeting, Day 1

I wake up and it's noon. Oh shit runs through my mind about 20 times. How did I forget to set the alarm clock? I haven't cleaned my room. I haven't cleaned the desk. I haven't taken a shower, and she'll be here in an hour! I call my mom as I'm throwing things in the closet, and I start crying. She'll be here soon! My mom says just throw all the stuff in the closet and shut the door. Well, of course, why didn't I think of that? I think I still have that stuff in my closet from Monday! I hang up with my mom and next thing you know S is on the phone! She's at I-70 and 435. That's like I dunno, 30 minutes from my house. I hop into the shower after telling her how to get to 152 and 435. The phone rings again, and it's only been about 5 minutes. Jesus, this woman has a lead foot. Why didn't I inherit that? I tell her how to get to my house from 152. I wash my hair out, dry off, throw on some clothes, and wrap a towel around my head. Phone rings. She's here! I run outside to show her which apartment and she sees me. At this point, I no longer care that my house is semi-messy. My hair is wrapped in an old towel. She's HERE! I run down the stairs barefoot over god knows what and we still have our phones in our hands and we just give each other a big hug. She comes inside and I give her the grand tour of the house.

We sit down and we were looking at pictures. She said I looked like J's side of the family. I still swear we have the same eyes. We went through picture after picture. Then we started to play some Wii. I didn't want to but my son would not shut up about it! We talked while she played that. Then my fiancé got home, they talked for a bit, and I realized it was 4pm. We needed to get ready to go to eat. It ended up my mom, my grandma, S, my son, and nephew all went to Olive Garden. I shouldn't have allowed my nephew to come. I knew, full well, that my son and him would not get along or behave. I was right. I took them outside to have a talk with them, and S came with me. I think she may have felt a little uncomfortable around my mom without me there. We came back in and ate salad and breadsticks and our food. We made chit-chat and the normal stuff. We were ready for the bill when a friend of mine from work (I asked him to take care of us) came out and said everything but the alcohol had been taken care of. He said he wasn't supposed to say who, but I knew. I work at that Olive Garden. A few people came up to take a look and ask a question or two. We had our dessert to go then went home to get ready for T-ball.

When we were at the T-Ball game we asked the normal questions. How was your life. Things like that. We watched B (my son's) T-ball game. She took a bunch of pictures of me for my sisters, and I took a bunch of her for myself. Greedy me. When we got home she went to stay the night at her sister's house in Lee's Summit.

More to come on another day!

An Adoption Song

This is a song about adoption that is really close to my heart. Whenever I wanted to search for S and J this is the song that would get me started. The song is by Edwin McCain.

"Letter To My Mother"

Mama, how do I write the words to you
You were the only one who loved me true

But there's a woman that we don't even know
She gave me life, then you gave me a home

I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you

I close my eyes, does she look like me
Does she need my help, is she cold on the street

Am I forgotten like a bad childhood dream
A B-movie actor on the black and white screen

I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Is that her little boy still loves you

Could I have seen her, I'll never know
Maybe she's always been there watching me grow
I wanted to tell her how grateful I am
For giving me life, I've done the best that I can

I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too

Is that her little boy still loves you
Her little boy still loves you