I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of rejection. As most of you know I'm on this whole reunion roller coaster, and I'm terrified that they won't like me. I'm terrified they won't want to be in contact with me.
Why am I so terrified? I have a great family. I have a wonderful sister and mother and father. Why do I need to be accepted by these people that I don't know?
I think the thing I'm most terrified of is not being able to be around my siblings. When I found out I was adopted I wanted to meet my brothers and sisters. That was my main thing. It always has been and it always will be, but now that I've found some of them, I'm so worried that they won't want me in their lives. I still have 5 more that I need to either find or talk to, and I'm so scared that when I do they will reject me. I found out I have 9 biological siblings. NINE, that is just insane, and I know most of the don't know about me. I know for a fact that all but three didn't know about me. The only three who did were my biological sisters from my biological mother. I'm not even sure they knew about me until I made contact. It sucks being hidden. It sucks that people don't remember me or didn't know I existed. It sucks having to be the one to break the news to them that they have more siblings or that they have another one to add to the list.
I found my biological brother, and I'm scared to death to contact him anymore. I don't want to interrupt his life, and I don't want to interrupt anymore of their lives. The problem is there's something inside me that says you have to do this. You have to find them. Then as soon as I do I'm terrified of what they outcome may be. I'm scared that after the initial contact they'll shy away from me.
I don't know what to do anymore. I was so excited, but now I'm in shock. I don't know how to process all of this, and it is starting to stress me out.
How do I not intrude? How can I integrate myself into this new life? How can I get over the fear of being rejected by my siblings?
2 comments:
i was hoping you would update. I completely understand. I have been in reunion since March and i still haven't contacted my biological brother and sisters on my dad's side. I found their myspace but am afraid they know nothing about me. I am in contact with my father, but he has never mentioned if he has mentioned me.
Its very stressful..I wish I had some advice for you..just wanted to let you know I understand.
You are thinking my thoughts. I am new to your site. I was adopted around 7 years old from Korea. I found my family in 2004 but due to many reasons including lanhauge barrier I do not communicate with them much or at all. But main reason, aside from language bariers is that of which you spoke about. Due to the distance and speration, I feel like it would be asking too much to really 'know' what had happened in the past or to know what they may be going through now. Just as much as I want to share everything that I have and is experiencing here, it is difficult to do this from so far and with the distance we shared. Thanks for your post! I have recently created a blog myself and hope you can come visit it. It is called Korean American Adoptee Home Is Within. http://homeiswithin.blogspot.com
KyungMee
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