Terrified

I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of rejection. As most of you know I'm on this whole reunion roller coaster, and I'm terrified that they won't like me. I'm terrified they won't want to be in contact with me.

Why am I so terrified? I have a great family. I have a wonderful sister and mother and father. Why do I need to be accepted by these people that I don't know?

I think the thing I'm most terrified of is not being able to be around my siblings. When I found out I was adopted I wanted to meet my brothers and sisters. That was my main thing. It always has been and it always will be, but now that I've found some of them, I'm so worried that they won't want me in their lives. I still have 5 more that I need to either find or talk to, and I'm so scared that when I do they will reject me. I found out I have 9 biological siblings. NINE, that is just insane, and I know most of the don't know about me. I know for a fact that all but three didn't know about me. The only three who did were my biological sisters from my biological mother. I'm not even sure they knew about me until I made contact. It sucks being hidden. It sucks that people don't remember me or didn't know I existed. It sucks having to be the one to break the news to them that they have more siblings or that they have another one to add to the list.

I found my biological brother, and I'm scared to death to contact him anymore. I don't want to interrupt his life, and I don't want to interrupt anymore of their lives. The problem is there's something inside me that says you have to do this. You have to find them. Then as soon as I do I'm terrified of what they outcome may be. I'm scared that after the initial contact they'll shy away from me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I was so excited, but now I'm in shock. I don't know how to process all of this, and it is starting to stress me out.

How do I not intrude? How can I integrate myself into this new life? How can I get over the fear of being rejected by my siblings?

Meeting Day 2 and 3 All In One!

Wow, I really do like to procrastinate. Sorry. S says I get that from her.

Oh, and I got to talk to my three sisters today for the first time!!! YAY!!!

Okay, where were we? Oh yes, the meeting. S called me on June 24, 2008. It was almost noon because I told her how I sleep in late. She had stayed the night at her sister's place. It's about 20 minutes or so from my house. Yes, insane, I have had an aunt that has lived by me this whole time. She came over, and we looked through some pictures, and did that normal stuff. We then had a dinner over at my mom's house. My mom really wanted to meet her and S really wanted to meet my mom. When we got to my mom's house I went upstairs and started digging through my baby pictures. I brought a bunch of them down, and we all went through them. My mom even had some extras so S got to take some home with her to show my sisters! Then my mom found some videos of me growing up. A dance recital and a orchestra recital. S taped them with her digital camera. It was really funny. We did that after dinner. Dinner went really great. Mom and S got along really well, and that made me happy.

We ended up staying over there pretty late. S gets up at 4am normally, and so she was really tired and headed back to her sister's house. Luckily, she was able to get a hold of her boss, and he let her have another day off of work. She got to stay another day. That made me so happy.

It was still so surreal at that point, and it actually still is really surreal.

Day 3 (really short day)

S and I got to talk a lot more that day. We asked each other a bunch of favorites questions, and her favorite color is lime green. Crazy to me. We talked about our favorite music and I played her that song Letter To My Mother. It made her cry, but she said it was because she loved it. She said that J used to play that type of music. It's insane to me, we still can't find him. It makes me wonder if he made it big or something. I really hope to do that someday. I really love singing, and she said that I got that from him. I guess he used to play guitar, so I get my instrument ability from him as well. I play violin extremely well, some guitar, some piano, some viola, some cello, some clarinet, and some flute. I really love playing instruments. It's kind of a passion that I haven't gotten to do in a really long time, and I seriously miss it.

Day 3 was when I got to the big question. I asked why she gave me up for adoption. She gave up my brother, but that was because she was fifteen. She kept one of my brothers who is about 3 years older then me, and she kept a younger brother who is 13 months younger. She said it was because she knew she couldn't take care of me. She told me a story about how her and J went and pawned a really nice guitar of his, and he pawned it for like 15 bucks to go get some food for the family. He went back to get it and the guy wouldn't sell it back to him for less then $150. It made me sad to hear that. I wish her life would have been better. Hopefully, together, my sisters and I can help her have a happier life. I also hope that having her in my life will be amazing for me as well. I'm sure it will be.

I really care for her already, but I haven't said I love you yet. I don't know if I can right now, it almost feels like I would be betraying my mom. My mom on the second day said she was a little worried that S would replace her. There's no way that can happen. I told her that, and she said she felt better hearing that. Nobody can replace my mother, but I hope that they will grow to be good friends. That's what I want from S. I want to be one of her best friends, and I hope that she's one of mine. I don't need another "mom" I have my mom. I wouldn't mind having another best friend like my mom though.

The Meeting, Day 1

I wake up and it's noon. Oh shit runs through my mind about 20 times. How did I forget to set the alarm clock? I haven't cleaned my room. I haven't cleaned the desk. I haven't taken a shower, and she'll be here in an hour! I call my mom as I'm throwing things in the closet, and I start crying. She'll be here soon! My mom says just throw all the stuff in the closet and shut the door. Well, of course, why didn't I think of that? I think I still have that stuff in my closet from Monday! I hang up with my mom and next thing you know S is on the phone! She's at I-70 and 435. That's like I dunno, 30 minutes from my house. I hop into the shower after telling her how to get to 152 and 435. The phone rings again, and it's only been about 5 minutes. Jesus, this woman has a lead foot. Why didn't I inherit that? I tell her how to get to my house from 152. I wash my hair out, dry off, throw on some clothes, and wrap a towel around my head. Phone rings. She's here! I run outside to show her which apartment and she sees me. At this point, I no longer care that my house is semi-messy. My hair is wrapped in an old towel. She's HERE! I run down the stairs barefoot over god knows what and we still have our phones in our hands and we just give each other a big hug. She comes inside and I give her the grand tour of the house.

We sit down and we were looking at pictures. She said I looked like J's side of the family. I still swear we have the same eyes. We went through picture after picture. Then we started to play some Wii. I didn't want to but my son would not shut up about it! We talked while she played that. Then my fiancé got home, they talked for a bit, and I realized it was 4pm. We needed to get ready to go to eat. It ended up my mom, my grandma, S, my son, and nephew all went to Olive Garden. I shouldn't have allowed my nephew to come. I knew, full well, that my son and him would not get along or behave. I was right. I took them outside to have a talk with them, and S came with me. I think she may have felt a little uncomfortable around my mom without me there. We came back in and ate salad and breadsticks and our food. We made chit-chat and the normal stuff. We were ready for the bill when a friend of mine from work (I asked him to take care of us) came out and said everything but the alcohol had been taken care of. He said he wasn't supposed to say who, but I knew. I work at that Olive Garden. A few people came up to take a look and ask a question or two. We had our dessert to go then went home to get ready for T-ball.

When we were at the T-Ball game we asked the normal questions. How was your life. Things like that. We watched B (my son's) T-ball game. She took a bunch of pictures of me for my sisters, and I took a bunch of her for myself. Greedy me. When we got home she went to stay the night at her sister's house in Lee's Summit.

More to come on another day!

An Adoption Song

This is a song about adoption that is really close to my heart. Whenever I wanted to search for S and J this is the song that would get me started. The song is by Edwin McCain.

"Letter To My Mother"

Mama, how do I write the words to you
You were the only one who loved me true

But there's a woman that we don't even know
She gave me life, then you gave me a home

I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you

I close my eyes, does she look like me
Does she need my help, is she cold on the street

Am I forgotten like a bad childhood dream
A B-movie actor on the black and white screen

I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Is that her little boy still loves you

Could I have seen her, I'll never know
Maybe she's always been there watching me grow
I wanted to tell her how grateful I am
For giving me life, I've done the best that I can

I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too

Is that her little boy still loves you
Her little boy still loves you

My Feelings About Being Adopted

This is something that I haven't really talked about to many people, but I feel it is a huge part of my story. I don't think many people are reading, so that is what is allowing me to write this at this time.

I grew up in a normal nuclear family until I was around age twelve. I had always tried to figure out why my sister and I were only seven months apart, but in my young mind I never guessed one of us was adopted. I always looked like my mom. I looked more like my mom then my sister did. She has blond hair and blue eyes. She is tall and very thin. My mom and I both have dark hair and dark eyes. We are shorter in stature and we are not completely thin. We both have hazel eyes. We both even have hair on our legs that grows fast. Trust me, that is extremely annoying. When Mom told me that I was adopted thoughts ran through my head that she was lying. I thought my sister was adopted, and she was telling me I was because she thought I could handle it better then my sister. Later on, I gave into the fact that my mom never gave birth to me. As I grew up, I accepted this.

There were always things after I found out that made me compared my sister and myself. Whenever she got something better or more clothes for school, I blamed it on the fact that she was their biological child. Whenever my dad was more mean to me, I figured it was because I was not his blood. I didn't really go through abandonment issues until I found out that I was the only one she gave up for adoption. (My parents didn't know that she had given a boy up when she was fifteen.) I wondered why I was given up. My parents said that she had two boys that she kept. I wondered if it was because I was a girl. Why wouldn't a mother want her baby girl? I never understood, and I probably won't until later in this reunion. She has told me that it was because she couldn't take care of me. I will accept this. I now know it wasn't just because I was a girl. She has three other girls now that are in her life. I used to be angry with her, mainly because, I thought she had given me up for the wrong reasons. I don't know why I get angry sometimes. I think it is because when I'm mad at my parents I wonder what my life would have been like with her. She has told me that it wasn't good, and I believe her. It doesn't make me wonder any less, though.

There's always something else I've wondered. What would it have been like to grow up with an older brother? I'm the oldest child in my family. Well, there's only two of us and my sister is younger so that makes me, of course, the oldest. I don't know if it is some kind of bond that I still have with my birth family, but I've always thought about an older brother. I never wanted an older sister. I wanted an older brother who would protect me when a boy was picking on me. I wanted an older brother who would go kick some guys ass because he had broke my heart. My dad was never that sort of man. He would just rather not get involved in the fact that I even had a boyfriend. That, of course, was when I was younger. Now that I'm older, he loves the fact that I'm engaged.

I wonder if it's every adoptee who feels this way. Wonders if they weren't good enough or loved enough. I hope that's not the reason that anybody is put up for adoption, but to think that, is to be naive. It does happen. I just hope that's not the beginning to my story.

Amazing Adoption Quotes

Here are some adoption quotes, poems, and songs. These are quotes that have meaning to me. Special meanings. I won't explain them to anybody, but I thought I would share them.

"Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute. You didn't grow under my heart, but in it"

"There are ex-husbands and ex-wives but there are no ex-moms, ex-dads or ex-children" - Anon

By Elaine Rideau Tomlin

In the stillness of the morning -
In the hush before the dawn -
A cry screams through the silence -
And a new life has been born.

And she wonders what will happen -
To her newborn baby girl -
How she wishes she could keep her -
And protect her from the worl.

But she knows that there are "others" -
Who would gladly give the world -
To have the chance to hold and love -
Her precious little girl.

And she prays to God for guidance -
As she holds that tiny hand -
With the desperate hope that someday -
Her child will understand.

So she bravely signs the papers -
And the tears fall from her eyes -
As she signs away her baby -
The light inside her dies.

One last kiss she gives her darling -
For the "others" have now come -
To claim the life she gave them -
Now a family has begun.

And with heavy heart she watches -
As they hold "their" little girl -
How she wishes she could somehow share -
A small part of their world.

But she knows this will not happen -
That for her it cannot be -
And always she will wonder -
About the child she'll never see.

NOW the times, they are a'changing -
And a new dawn has begun -
Soon ALL will be together -
With new hope for everyone.

© Copyright Elaine Rideau Tomlin...Adoptee...1986

This is What They Mean by Roller Coaster

Let's all hop aboard the emotional express, because at the moment, I feel as if I'm the only one on it. That's the way I feel at least. I hit my first loop in the track yesterday night. I'll tell you the story, but first I have to start off by saying that Friday night I got engaged! I think that's a little part of the ride at the moment.

Saturday night I wanted to go out to the bar to do some karaoke for my birthday that was on Friday. When we got there I found out that it was actually a surprise party! Most of my friends had told me that they couldn't come out with me. I was a little bit bummed showing up to the bar because I didn't think many would get to come. My fiancé and I were supposed to go out to dinner. I wanted Sonic. He said, well why don't we go down to the bar and eat. I kinda got annoyed because I wasn't sure if they were serving food down there. We went down there, and I saw balloons. I figured nothing of it because I know that my mom always does balloons even if there isn't a party for our birthdays. My fiancé and I sat down. All of a sudden our friend Alex shows up. I was surprised to see him down there. We were just sitting there not doing much of anything. The big surprise was when Jenny and Travis came in. Jenny had told me that she couldn't come to my birthday because they were busy planning for a family reunion. I was so surprised.

Later on we found out, that karaoke didn't start until 10:30 because they were doing trivia instead. I thought trivia would be great and be a lot of fun. It was. That was until the loud music started. I don't go to bars that have the music so loud you can't hear anyone talking. I hate that. If I wanted that, I would go to a concert. Hell, even at a concert you can hear the person next to you talking. I became extremely annoyed by that. It didn't help that I was only on two hours of sleep and had worked that morning. I thought that the music would quiet down once they started doing karaoke. I was wrong.

It didn't help much that in between this time people kept asking me questions I didn't know the answer to. When are you getting married? Where is it going to be? Stuff like that. I mean come on people. I was just asked yesterday! We don't have the entire thing planned already. Then came the questions about S, I don't know a ton about her yet. We haven't even met yet. The music, in my mind, kept getting louder and louder. I couldn't think. Everyone was asking me what was wrong, if I was okay, or any other number of questions. I kept getting more and more annoyed. I could barely hear myself think. Finally, I just broke down.

When I broke down crying, I felt even worse because all of my friends had come out there to surprise me, and I was getting annoyed, angry, and then crying. That just made me cry worse. Finally I told mom that I was just stressed out, and that everything was hitting me all at once. I've basically acquired a whole family. I now have 10 siblings. My adoptive sister, my biological brothers and sisters, and my step-brother and sisters. I have aunts and uncles, and a whole new family that I hope will be part of my life. That's 25 years of catching up and getting to know them. I haven't been in their lives for 25 years. It's extremely overwhelming. Then, to top it off, I have a wedding to plan. My fiancé doesn't want to wait a long time, so we are planning for a spring of 2009 wedding. That is stressful all alone, then add on top of it all the other things going on. In the past five days, I have had 2 extreme life changing events happen. I mean, come on guys, these are MAJOR life changing events.

I guess it's hard for anyone who isn't part of the adoption triangle to understand. It's so surreal. One minute you're searching for this person. The next thing you know you're on the phone with them or meeting them. Every time I talk to S on the phone I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up. I know it's real, but it doesn't FEEL real yet. I'm hoping that it does soon!

♥♥♥♥

Contact

Okay, we left off that she would call me back later in the evening....

Well, that didn't happen! She called 10 minutes later! :)

"Hello, is Lilly there?"

Wow, that voice. She sounds like me.

"This is her," I said nervously.
"This is S, I have worried about you, and prayed about you, and wondered where you were for the past 25 years," came a voice at the other end that you could tell was trying to hold back tears.
"Well, 25 years tomorrow," she said.

Wow.. it was amazing that she remembered my birthday!

That's most of what I can remember from that initial conversation. Most of it was just a blur. I asked her about if I had any brothers and sisters. She said she must have been a rabbit in a past life, because including me she had 7. To me this is amazing, I only have one sister. She gave me their names and ages. We talked for quite awhile. She asked if I still had brown hair and green eyes, and I said yes. I asked her what she looked like and what J looked like. She told me. They both had brown hair. They were both shorter people. That made me thrilled!

We talked about what she would have named me if she were able to keep me. She said Danielle. That's a very pretty name! :).

She said she always wanted to find me, but she was worried that I would hate her. Why would I hate her? She gave me up for all the right reasons. She didn't do it for selfish reasons, she did it because she knew she couldn't take care of me properly at the time, and I must admit, I've had a great life.

It is so surreal from the point of an adoptee. In the course of one phone call, your life is completely different. Surreal is the only word for it.

I finally also found out something I've alway wanted to know, my ethnic background. I'm Cherokee Indian, Irish, Scottish, British, and a little German.

I sent her my myspace and she said that I looked like J's side of the family in my face, and that I had her nose, and high cheekbones!

We are planning on meeting a week from this Monday. I will talk to her more in the meantime, and I will keep everyone updated as to how it goes! :)

Oh one more thing, I get my musical talent from J as well. She said that she initially fell in love with his music. He used to travel around the country in the summer to go play his music.

One E-mail and Twelve Hours Can Change Your Life

Welcome back,

We're going to skip ahead to 2008.

June 10, 2008 -

I decided I needed to update my profile information on G's registry. www.gsadoptionregistry.com
I needed to change my e-mail in case a search angel wanted to get in touch with me. I went ahead and sent in my e-mail and they sent one back having me approve all of my information.

Not too long after that I got an e-mail from a search angel. It had the exact information for this one woman that they always sent. No phone numbers were in working order, and it was never her. The search angel asked me to let her know if I found her. I sent back a reply saying that I hadn't, and I went on about my normal daily things.

June 11, 2008 -

I checked my e-mail and the search angel had sent me a letter saying that there was bad weather in her area and when it calmed down she would go ahead and send me something. I didn't want to get my hopes up so I just kept saying yeah right... No way..... Let it go.

June 11-12, 2008 (middle of the night) -

Normal night, just like any other, I couldn't sleep. I had gone to all my normal sites and I decided to check my e-mail. It was around 1am on the 12th. I opened up my e-mail and found another letter from my search angel. She had found the marriage license for J and S (birth mother's name for now.) My heart started to race. The marriage license had an address on it. She did a search of the address, and found my birth grandparents were living there at the time of marriage. She figured that this was the best way to find S. There were so many phone numbers. I decided to wait until the next day to start the lengthy process of dialing numbers as it was in the middle of the night.

June 12, 2008 (afternoon) -

I opened up my e-mail and looked at the list. There were quite a few numbers on there, and quite a few names. I decided to try the number on the very top. Wrong number. For some reason, in my gut, I felt that the tiny number near the middle had to be it. I picked up my phone, and my heart started to race. I dialed the number. There was a voice at the other end.

"Hello," He said
"Hello, is H (name for my birth grandfather for now) there?"
"Yes this is him,"
"H G?"
"Yes."
"I know this is an odd question, but do you have a daughter named S?"
"Yes I do," He said.

Oh my how my heart began to race right there. I started shaking, and I was trying to hold back tears. You can't understand me talking when I'm crying. On to the next question!

"Was she married to a man named J in 1980?"
"Yes she was, who is this?" H asked.
"Well, this may come as a complete shock and surprise, and I'm very sorry, but I think you are my biological grandfather."

Complete silence for a minute.

"My name is Lilly"

I'm going to go by the name of Lilly for now.

"I was put up for adoption by S and J in 1983."

At this time, H put his wife M on the phone.

She asked for my name and my phone number and when I was adopted. She said that she knew why I was calling and to calm down. She would call S and give her my number, but she said S was at work and not to expect anything until the evening. I told her thank you... Thank you and I was crying. She told me to calm down it would be okay and to have a nice day.

Wow..... talk about freaking out! I had found her!

The background.

The wondering, the waiting, the praying, the pondering, and most of all the curiosity.

You never really know what it's like to be adopted unless you are adopted. For most of us, it feels like there's this piece of us that is missing. Something isn't right. Something is off. I've always tried to figure out what it is. Let's go into a little bit of background shall we?

I was put up for adoption by my birth mother and birth father. They were married at the time. They had one son. I don't know why they gave me up. I want to know of course. This wasn't your run of the mill adoption either. Someone they knew knew my adoptive parents. It was set up through an attorney. My mom (adoptive mother) was told she could never get pregnant. With thirty quickly approaching my mom and dad decided to adopt. They found out they were getting me. Then, she went to the doctor. Sick with the flu. Nope, not really, she was pregnant with my sister. My sister and I are 7 months apart. Wow, you would think I would have figured out a little more quickly then I did eh? hehe.

Let's take a stroll when I was around 12 years old. My cousin May found out that who she thought was her cousin was actually her sister. Right around that time my mom decided that it was time to tell me. I was adopted. Talk about a ton of bricks being dropped right down on you. That one statement alone, makes you wonder just who the hell you are. It doesn't hit you all at once either.

Let's go a couple years later. I decided I wanted to search for my birth family. I didn't tell my family right off. I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't really know how to search, so I didn't really get anything accomplished. I don't even remember how old I was when I first attempted a real internet search. I'm guessing around 17 or 18. I remember searching for their names, but I didn't even have the right name for my birth father. I thought I did, but the middle initial was wrong. We're going to call him J for now. I remember calling this one poor old man at least 5 times just to make sure. He always took it in stride. He didn't get angry with me, and he would calm me down when I became upset that it wasn't him. I searched off and on for years. Mainly, around the time of my birthday. I would always hope I would find them around my birthday. As luck would have it, it wasn't the right time.