Where should I start? Well, today marks three months since JA moved, and I feel my anger and resentment turning into hatred. I think it is because of all of the lies and broken promises. Promises that should have never been made. It is also all of the mean words that have been spoken. Maybe, it is just me putting up walls so that I no longer feel the hurt and pain any longer. I'm sick of feeling it. I'm sick of replaying the words that were said to me over and over again in my head. All I hear now is broken promises. I want to be spiteful, and I want to break my promises.
We rarely talk now. Maybe it is easier that way. I don't know. Maybe, we have both hurt each other too much. I wonder if those wounds we inflicted will ever heal. I don't think that they will because, to this day, we are still doing it. I don't know what I want. I don't know what will make this easier. I don't know if I could handle no communication at all. Actually, I know I can't. The problem is, what little communication we do have, can be just as hurtful. Hell, the lack of communication, in general, is hurtful. Sometimes, I do wonder why I searched so hard.
I also found out another lie. I thought we could talk about anything. Well, he has had two friends pass away recently. He told Anna more about them than he did me. I guess we didn't talk as much as I had thought. I guess we weren't as close as I thought. It feels like that was a lie too. That really fucking hurts.
I feel like raising my white flag at times, but then, a song pops into my head. It is called White Flag, and it is by Dido. I'm going to post the lyrics.
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be.
I know that this is about a different kind of relationship, but it still fits in some ways.
That's all for now. I really don't feel like crying today.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Saturday May 28, 2011
Well, the first full day of the reunion has gone pretty good. I feel completely comfortable around MA (grandma), H (grandpa), Uncle S, Sandra, and the girls. I feel totally at home and at ease with them, but now Aunt Sh is here. With all of the stupid comments she made the other night, I am still hurt and pissed off at her. She made me question my relationship with my brother JA.
I am so nervous about all of the people showing up, and I all I want is a comforting hug from my big brother. The problem with that is, I know in Aunt Sh's fucked up thoughts, she will make it to be more than a hug. Why don't people want me to be close to my siblings? Oh wait, could it just be they don't want me to have a close relationship to JA because he is a boy, and I am a girl? He is my brother. Would they have an issue if I hugged or had L, C, or M lay on my lap? No, they wouldn't.
It is already effecting the relationship I have with JA. I was in the room writing in my journal, and I know JA is getting nervous about the large group of people that are going to be showing up, so I asked him if he wanted to chill in the room with me, and he said no and something to the effect of what would people think? It is starting to really anger me.
Maybe it is time for me to take a nap and collect my thoughts.
I am so nervous about all of the people showing up, and I all I want is a comforting hug from my big brother. The problem with that is, I know in Aunt Sh's fucked up thoughts, she will make it to be more than a hug. Why don't people want me to be close to my siblings? Oh wait, could it just be they don't want me to have a close relationship to JA because he is a boy, and I am a girl? He is my brother. Would they have an issue if I hugged or had L, C, or M lay on my lap? No, they wouldn't.
It is already effecting the relationship I have with JA. I was in the room writing in my journal, and I know JA is getting nervous about the large group of people that are going to be showing up, so I asked him if he wanted to chill in the room with me, and he said no and something to the effect of what would people think? It is starting to really anger me.
Maybe it is time for me to take a nap and collect my thoughts.
May 26, 2011
Well, I had planned on documenting this whole reunion thing, but I got lazy and didn't do it.
Things are going very well with JA. Him and his fiance have moved up here. JA and I are very close. He is this perfect brother. I couldn't ask for more. He fills that piece of me that was always gone. I no longer feel partially empty. I feel complete for the first time in my life. I thought I had felt complete with earlier reunions, but this one was different. I think it is because we are so much alike.
I am so scared that something will change. I'm scared that he'll be taken away like I was when I was a baby. I'm worried that he will get tired of me. I come up with stupid things in my head like they will get into a car accident. I'm worried that a storm will come and pick me up. I feel like the world is going to play a sick, cruel joke on me. The joke being that when I am happy and finally have a full heart, it will be ripped away from me, and I will be left with nothing but despair.
Today scared me. He seemed to be pulling away. He didn't give me a hug as big as he normally does, and I was so happy to see that they hadn't made one of scenarios come to fruition. Then when I saw they were ok, I just wanted a huge hug, and he pulled away. Immediately, one thousand things started running through my head. The emotions were ten times worse. I felt hurt. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt that missing part of me rip away a little bit. I literally, physically felt a piece of my heart tear. It sounds stupid, but I can't help how I feel. I don't know if it is just a part of my abandonment issues. I'm so scared that he will see all of my fucked up issues and turn tail and run. That is what people in my life do. They hurt me, or they run when I need them the most.
I think they are fighting again, and I think it has to do with me. I am about ready to go sleep in my car. I don't want them to fight, especially, if it has to do with me. I've told her I don't want her to resent me. Maybe me letting them watch the movie alone will help. I don't know what to do to make them stop arguing. They seem to argue so much since they moved up here. I hate when they argue. I wish they wouldn't. I just wish I could help in some way. I think they only thing that would help her was if I disappeared for a bit. I couldn't be away from JA though. He is a part of my life now. I would be just like if CS (my adoptive sister) or my mom disappeared from my life. They still sound like they are arguing, and I hate the sound of it. Itl ooks like this stupid pen is about to run out of ink.
Well, it is time to watch a movie. I will write more later..
One more thing. Would people be happier if me and JA hated each other?
Things are going very well with JA. Him and his fiance have moved up here. JA and I are very close. He is this perfect brother. I couldn't ask for more. He fills that piece of me that was always gone. I no longer feel partially empty. I feel complete for the first time in my life. I thought I had felt complete with earlier reunions, but this one was different. I think it is because we are so much alike.
I am so scared that something will change. I'm scared that he'll be taken away like I was when I was a baby. I'm worried that he will get tired of me. I come up with stupid things in my head like they will get into a car accident. I'm worried that a storm will come and pick me up. I feel like the world is going to play a sick, cruel joke on me. The joke being that when I am happy and finally have a full heart, it will be ripped away from me, and I will be left with nothing but despair.
Today scared me. He seemed to be pulling away. He didn't give me a hug as big as he normally does, and I was so happy to see that they hadn't made one of scenarios come to fruition. Then when I saw they were ok, I just wanted a huge hug, and he pulled away. Immediately, one thousand things started running through my head. The emotions were ten times worse. I felt hurt. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt that missing part of me rip away a little bit. I literally, physically felt a piece of my heart tear. It sounds stupid, but I can't help how I feel. I don't know if it is just a part of my abandonment issues. I'm so scared that he will see all of my fucked up issues and turn tail and run. That is what people in my life do. They hurt me, or they run when I need them the most.
I think they are fighting again, and I think it has to do with me. I am about ready to go sleep in my car. I don't want them to fight, especially, if it has to do with me. I've told her I don't want her to resent me. Maybe me letting them watch the movie alone will help. I don't know what to do to make them stop arguing. They seem to argue so much since they moved up here. I hate when they argue. I wish they wouldn't. I just wish I could help in some way. I think they only thing that would help her was if I disappeared for a bit. I couldn't be away from JA though. He is a part of my life now. I would be just like if CS (my adoptive sister) or my mom disappeared from my life. They still sound like they are arguing, and I hate the sound of it. Itl ooks like this stupid pen is about to run out of ink.
Well, it is time to watch a movie. I will write more later..
One more thing. Would people be happier if me and JA hated each other?
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Thursday December 18, 2008
R finally made contact. A quick comment on myspace. "Just checking in to see what's up." I responded with, "too much to leave in one comment. you?" No response, as of yet. Go figure. It feels like he sent just enough to get my hopes up. Now, it is a wait and see game all over again. All I want to know is, why initiate it if you don't want to continue it? I will probably never understand. The bigger problem is that I will never confront him about it because I don't want to scare him off.
November 21, 2008
I've decided to post some entries from my personal journal. I still have yet to figure out what I want to write for my more recent posts.
(Beginning of journal.)
I figured, after that hospital stay and the doctor saying it was stress, it was time to get a journal. Keeping a journal has always been a stress reliever for me. It helps to just let it all out. It clears all of the crap out of my head that is just swirling around in there. My head is constantly a jumbled up mess. Thoughts constantly racing around. I'm always over-analyzing things. One phrase or comment can sit in my brain for weeks. I think of a hundred different meanings to it, and I can always turn it into something absolutely horrible.
Let's get down to some of the jumbled up crap. It all started in June. I found my biological mother Sandra. I found her the day before my 25th birthday. June 12, 2008. The first phone call was wonderful. She said, "I have been thinking about you, praying for you, and wondering where you have been for 25 years. Well, 25 years tomorrow." I was amazed that she had remembered my birthday. I don't know why I didn't think she would. Maybe it is because for 25 years, I celebrated my birthday with my mom. She didn't have me to celebrate with. I guess, I figured if you don't celebrate something every year, then you forget. I don't know if she did something each year for my birthday. I still don't know if she did because I have never asked. I think I am too afraid to hear that she didn't even think about me on that day. I am afraid to hear that she tried to forget about that day. I honestly don't know what I would do if faced with that situation. I don't know if I would want to remember the day I relinquished my child. I think it would cause too much pain. Then again, I don't think I could ever forget. I don't think I could ever forget the child that I carried for nine months. The child that kicked me, that I talked to, sang to, and read to. Sandra has my total respect. She made it through something that I don't think a lot of people could even think of doing.
Our first face-to-face meeting went just as good. I was so nervous. I didn't know if we should hug or shake hands. When she called and said she was at my apartment, I went outside. She parked her minivan. My heart was pounding. It felt like it would beat right out of my chest. I still wasn't quite sure how to greet her. Then she got out. I ran down the stairs, and we ran up to each other and hugged. It was completely natural for me. We were both crying. We just stood there holding each other. I immediately felt a connection to her. It was like I had found the part of me that had been missing. I had always had that small void even before I found out I was adopted. I wasn't sure why I had felt it, but I had never felt totally complete. When I found out I was adopted, I finally began to understand what that feeling had been. I don't know why I had that missing part. I had a good childhood. Sure, my dad wasn't always around, but my mom was AMAZING. She was my best friend, and she still is. Now that I am older, however, I am starting to realize that it was that bond. No matter how many years we were separated, Sandra and I will always have that bond. Most people will never understand it, and quite a few probably won't believe it, but Sandra and I did bond. We bonded for those nine months that I was in her womb. 25 years separated didn't even break that bond.
The first meeting went wonderfully the entire time. She was completely open and honest with me. She answered every question that I asked. She answered one of the most important questions. Why did you give me up for adoption? The answer was simple. We couldn't take care of you, and we wanted better for you. Those were the sweetest words I ever heard. I was always so worried that I was given up because I wasn't wanted.
I also found out something I had always wondered about, my brothers and sisters. I found out I have a brother named L. He is thirty. Sandra gave him up for adoption when she was fifteen. She said she found him a few years ago, but she was still in a bad place in her life. I'm not sure what went wrong in their reunion, but they are no longer speaking. She is not sure where he is, but she gave me his full name and where he last lived. I have two full brothers. JA and T. JA will be 28 in December, and T turned 24 in July.
That's all for tonight. I'll write more next time about my siblings, but right now, I'm about to fall asleep. It doesn't help that my hand seriously hurts from writing.
(Beginning of journal.)
I figured, after that hospital stay and the doctor saying it was stress, it was time to get a journal. Keeping a journal has always been a stress reliever for me. It helps to just let it all out. It clears all of the crap out of my head that is just swirling around in there. My head is constantly a jumbled up mess. Thoughts constantly racing around. I'm always over-analyzing things. One phrase or comment can sit in my brain for weeks. I think of a hundred different meanings to it, and I can always turn it into something absolutely horrible.
Let's get down to some of the jumbled up crap. It all started in June. I found my biological mother Sandra. I found her the day before my 25th birthday. June 12, 2008. The first phone call was wonderful. She said, "I have been thinking about you, praying for you, and wondering where you have been for 25 years. Well, 25 years tomorrow." I was amazed that she had remembered my birthday. I don't know why I didn't think she would. Maybe it is because for 25 years, I celebrated my birthday with my mom. She didn't have me to celebrate with. I guess, I figured if you don't celebrate something every year, then you forget. I don't know if she did something each year for my birthday. I still don't know if she did because I have never asked. I think I am too afraid to hear that she didn't even think about me on that day. I am afraid to hear that she tried to forget about that day. I honestly don't know what I would do if faced with that situation. I don't know if I would want to remember the day I relinquished my child. I think it would cause too much pain. Then again, I don't think I could ever forget. I don't think I could ever forget the child that I carried for nine months. The child that kicked me, that I talked to, sang to, and read to. Sandra has my total respect. She made it through something that I don't think a lot of people could even think of doing.
Our first face-to-face meeting went just as good. I was so nervous. I didn't know if we should hug or shake hands. When she called and said she was at my apartment, I went outside. She parked her minivan. My heart was pounding. It felt like it would beat right out of my chest. I still wasn't quite sure how to greet her. Then she got out. I ran down the stairs, and we ran up to each other and hugged. It was completely natural for me. We were both crying. We just stood there holding each other. I immediately felt a connection to her. It was like I had found the part of me that had been missing. I had always had that small void even before I found out I was adopted. I wasn't sure why I had felt it, but I had never felt totally complete. When I found out I was adopted, I finally began to understand what that feeling had been. I don't know why I had that missing part. I had a good childhood. Sure, my dad wasn't always around, but my mom was AMAZING. She was my best friend, and she still is. Now that I am older, however, I am starting to realize that it was that bond. No matter how many years we were separated, Sandra and I will always have that bond. Most people will never understand it, and quite a few probably won't believe it, but Sandra and I did bond. We bonded for those nine months that I was in her womb. 25 years separated didn't even break that bond.
The first meeting went wonderfully the entire time. She was completely open and honest with me. She answered every question that I asked. She answered one of the most important questions. Why did you give me up for adoption? The answer was simple. We couldn't take care of you, and we wanted better for you. Those were the sweetest words I ever heard. I was always so worried that I was given up because I wasn't wanted.
I also found out something I had always wondered about, my brothers and sisters. I found out I have a brother named L. He is thirty. Sandra gave him up for adoption when she was fifteen. She said she found him a few years ago, but she was still in a bad place in her life. I'm not sure what went wrong in their reunion, but they are no longer speaking. She is not sure where he is, but she gave me his full name and where he last lived. I have two full brothers. JA and T. JA will be 28 in December, and T turned 24 in July.
That's all for tonight. I'll write more next time about my siblings, but right now, I'm about to fall asleep. It doesn't help that my hand seriously hurts from writing.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Letting Go?
Hummm, where to start? Well, my prediction blog from a few months back came true. Me and my older brother texted a lot when he first moved, but that started dropping off about a month ago. We've only skyped twice.
I just need to let go a bit. If this is the way he wants to live his life, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, so be it. It's not like I've tried telling him to move, and to go where the money is, and where he can be most successful. Sure, I posted a blog on it, and some other not so nice stuff. I posted that here instead of saying it to him directly via text. For the past two months, I have been trying to make him feel better about what he did. I've covered up my own feelings, and I've lied. I don't like the fact that I lied to him, but I also didn't like him feeling like shit about himself.
I feel like I'm a glutton for punishment because I always wanted a big brother, and maybe this is why I put myself out there. I know a lot of older brothers torture (I use that term loosely) their younger siblings as children. We are adults though. I mean maybe it is all part of that bonding that we never had.
I can't help but feel like I've been rejected again. It has been like the fifth time. First, it was at birth. The second, third, and fourth time it was from J not accepting me for who I am. This is the fifth time. I'm done with putting myself out there. It is almost like I'm a masochist. I hate that. I was always a never put up with the bullshit type of girl. Now, it feels like that is half of my life. I've made excuses and stood up for my older brother.
As of that one infamous blog post, I was threatened to be sued. That is taking it too far. I refuse, now, to go down there. I've subjected myself to enough of the other person's shit (not my older brother.) Yes, blog stalker, go ahead and print this one off too. I'm not going to be threatened to be sued. Here... I'll go ahead and post the text I received, with date and time stamps.
April 3, 3:57pm - (other person) Remove my name from your blog just like you have been told
April 3, 3:58pm - (me) Nope. I removed the one post prior to that you had given me permission. Now that you have revoked it, it will not be used. And by the way you don't tell me what to do.
April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Remove from all of them
April 3, 3:59pm - (me) Nope. Read the previous text.
April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Will contact attorney then
April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Go for it as you have no case
April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Do not contact me again.
Now, I will also abide by this no contact thing, and that means not going down there to see my older brother and T. I do not have money to drive 8 hours and get a hotel room, especially with a new baby. Therefor, this is my only conclusion, as much as it saddens me to say it. Now, of course, this is just for now. Who knows what will happen in the future, whether it be near or far. For my own sanity, I need to let go a bit and expect nothing.
I just need to let go a bit. If this is the way he wants to live his life, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, so be it. It's not like I've tried telling him to move, and to go where the money is, and where he can be most successful. Sure, I posted a blog on it, and some other not so nice stuff. I posted that here instead of saying it to him directly via text. For the past two months, I have been trying to make him feel better about what he did. I've covered up my own feelings, and I've lied. I don't like the fact that I lied to him, but I also didn't like him feeling like shit about himself.
I feel like I'm a glutton for punishment because I always wanted a big brother, and maybe this is why I put myself out there. I know a lot of older brothers torture (I use that term loosely) their younger siblings as children. We are adults though. I mean maybe it is all part of that bonding that we never had.
I can't help but feel like I've been rejected again. It has been like the fifth time. First, it was at birth. The second, third, and fourth time it was from J not accepting me for who I am. This is the fifth time. I'm done with putting myself out there. It is almost like I'm a masochist. I hate that. I was always a never put up with the bullshit type of girl. Now, it feels like that is half of my life. I've made excuses and stood up for my older brother.
As of that one infamous blog post, I was threatened to be sued. That is taking it too far. I refuse, now, to go down there. I've subjected myself to enough of the other person's shit (not my older brother.) Yes, blog stalker, go ahead and print this one off too. I'm not going to be threatened to be sued. Here... I'll go ahead and post the text I received, with date and time stamps.
April 3, 3:57pm - (other person) Remove my name from your blog just like you have been told
April 3, 3:58pm - (me) Nope. I removed the one post prior to that you had given me permission. Now that you have revoked it, it will not be used. And by the way you don't tell me what to do.
April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Remove from all of them
April 3, 3:59pm - (me) Nope. Read the previous text.
April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Will contact attorney then
April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Go for it as you have no case
April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Do not contact me again.
Now, I will also abide by this no contact thing, and that means not going down there to see my older brother and T. I do not have money to drive 8 hours and get a hotel room, especially with a new baby. Therefor, this is my only conclusion, as much as it saddens me to say it. Now, of course, this is just for now. Who knows what will happen in the future, whether it be near or far. For my own sanity, I need to let go a bit and expect nothing.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wow, the audacity of people.
Unlike some people I know, I at least have had the balls to not "hide" my posts.. Guess what... I can still see those.....
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Hummm
So, I will possibly be starting a new blog. I won't share that with anybody.. Nobody but a select few knew about this blog, and they stopped following years ago when I stopped writing in it. Now, to think of a new name. I really liked the Finding the Missing Me thing.... Oh well! :)
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