May 26, 2011

Well, I had planned on documenting this whole reunion thing, but I got lazy and didn't do it.

Things are going very well with JA. Him and his fiance have moved up here. JA and I are very close.  He is this perfect brother. I couldn't ask for more.  He fills that piece of me that was always gone.  I no longer feel partially empty.  I feel complete for the first time in my life. I thought I had felt complete with earlier reunions, but this one was different.  I think it is because we are so much alike.

I am so scared that something will change.  I'm scared that he'll be taken away like I was when I was a baby.  I'm worried that he will get tired of me.  I come up with stupid things in my head like they will get into a car accident.  I'm worried that a storm will come and pick me up.  I feel like the world is going to play a sick, cruel joke on me.  The joke being that when I am happy and finally have a full heart, it will be ripped away from me, and I will be left with nothing but despair.

Today scared me.  He seemed to be pulling away.  He didn't give me a hug as big as he normally does, and I was so happy to see that they hadn't made one of scenarios come to fruition. Then when I saw they were ok, I just wanted a huge hug, and he pulled away.  Immediately,  one thousand things started running through my head.  The emotions were ten times worse.  I felt hurt.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I felt that missing part of me rip away a little bit.  I literally, physically felt a piece of my heart tear.  It sounds stupid, but I can't help how I feel.  I don't know if it is just a part of my abandonment issues.  I'm so scared that he will see all of my fucked up issues and turn tail and run.  That is what people in my life do.  They hurt me, or they run when I need them the most.  

I think they are fighting again, and I think it has to do with me.  I am about ready to go sleep in my car.  I don't want them to fight, especially, if it has to do with me.  I've told her I don't want her to resent me.  Maybe me letting them watch the movie alone will help.  I don't know what to do to make them stop arguing.  They seem to argue so much since they moved up here.  I hate when they argue.  I wish they wouldn't.  I just wish I could help in some way.  I think they only thing that would help her was if I disappeared for a bit.  I couldn't be away from JA though. He is a part of my life now.  I would be just like if CS (my adoptive sister) or my mom disappeared from my life.  They still sound like they are arguing, and I hate the sound of it.  Itl ooks like this stupid pen is about to run out of ink.  

Well, it is time to watch a movie.  I will write more later..

One more thing. Would people be happier if me and JA hated each other?