Walls, Anger, Hurt

Where should I start? Well, today marks three months since JA moved, and I feel my anger and resentment turning into hatred.  I think it is because of all of the lies and broken promises.  Promises that should have never been made.  It is also all of the mean words that have been spoken.  Maybe, it is just me putting up walls so that I no longer feel the hurt and pain any longer.  I'm sick of feeling it.  I'm sick of replaying the words that were said to me over and over again in my head.  All I hear now is broken promises.  I want to be spiteful, and I want to break my promises. 

We rarely talk now.  Maybe it is easier that way.  I don't know.  Maybe, we have both hurt each other too much.  I wonder if those wounds we inflicted will ever heal.  I don't think that they will because, to this day, we are still doing it.  I don't know what I want.  I don't know what will make this easier.  I don't know if I could handle no communication at all.  Actually, I know I can't.  The problem is, what little communication we do have, can be just as hurtful.  Hell, the lack of communication, in general, is hurtful.  Sometimes, I do wonder why I searched so hard.

I also found out another lie.  I thought we could talk about anything.  Well, he has had two friends pass away recently.  He told Anna more about them than he did me.  I guess we didn't talk as much as I had thought.  I guess we weren't as close as I thought.  It feels like that was a lie too.  That really fucking hurts.

I feel like raising my white flag at times, but then, a song pops into my head. It is called White Flag, and it is by Dido. I'm going to post the lyrics.  

 I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be.

I know that this is about a different kind of relationship, but it still fits in some ways.

That's all for now. I really don't feel like crying today.