November 21, 2008

I've decided to post some entries from my personal journal. I still have yet to figure out what I want to write for my more recent posts.

(Beginning of journal.)

I figured, after that hospital stay and the doctor saying it was stress, it was time to get a journal. Keeping a journal has always been a stress reliever for me. It helps to just let it all out. It clears all of the crap out of my head that is just swirling around in there.  My head is constantly a jumbled up mess. Thoughts constantly racing around. I'm always over-analyzing things. One phrase or comment can sit in my brain for weeks. I think of a hundred different meanings to it, and I can always turn it into something absolutely horrible.

Let's get down to some of the jumbled up crap. It all started in June. I found my biological mother Sandra. I found her the day before my 25th birthday. June 12, 2008. The first phone call was wonderful. She said, "I have been thinking about you, praying for you, and wondering where you have been for 25 years. Well, 25 years tomorrow." I was amazed that she had remembered my birthday. I don't know why I didn't think she would. Maybe it is because for 25 years, I celebrated my birthday with my mom. She didn't have me to celebrate with. I guess, I figured if you don't celebrate something every year, then you forget.  I don't know if she did something each year for my birthday. I still don't know if she did because I have never asked.  I think I am too afraid to hear that she didn't even think about me on that day.  I am afraid to hear that she tried to forget about that day.  I honestly don't know what I would do if faced with that situation.  I don't know if I would want to remember the day I relinquished my child.  I think it would cause too much pain.  Then again, I don't think I could ever forget.  I don't think I could ever forget the child that I carried for nine months.  The child that kicked me, that I talked to, sang to, and read to.  Sandra has my total respect. She made it through something that I don't think a lot of people could even think of doing.  

Our first face-to-face meeting went just as good.  I was so nervous.  I didn't know if we should hug or shake hands.  When she called and said she was at my apartment, I went outside.  She parked her minivan. My heart was pounding. It felt like it would beat right out of my chest.  I still wasn't quite sure how to greet her.  Then she got out.  I ran down the stairs, and we ran up to each other and hugged.  It was completely natural for me.  We were both crying.  We just stood there holding each other.  I immediately felt a connection to her.  It was like I had found the part of me that had been missing.  I had always had that small void even before I found out I was adopted. I wasn't sure why I had felt it, but I had never felt totally complete.  When I found out I was adopted, I finally began to understand what that feeling had been.  I don't know why I had that missing part. I had a good childhood.  Sure, my dad wasn't always around, but my mom was AMAZING.  She was my best friend, and she still is.  Now that I am older, however, I am starting to realize that it was that bond.  No matter how many years we were separated, Sandra and I will always have that bond.  Most people will never understand it, and quite a few probably won't believe it, but Sandra and I did bond.  We bonded for those nine months that I was in her womb. 25 years separated didn't even break that bond.

The first meeting went wonderfully the entire time.  She was completely open and honest with me.  She answered every question that I asked.  She answered one of the most important questions.  Why did you give me up for adoption?  The answer was simple.  We couldn't take care of you, and we wanted better for you.  Those were the sweetest words I ever heard.  I was always so worried that I was given up because I wasn't wanted.

I also found out something I had always wondered about, my brothers and sisters.  I found out I have a brother named L. He is thirty.  Sandra gave him up for adoption when she was fifteen.  She said she found him a few years ago, but she was still in a bad place in her life.  I'm not sure what went wrong in their reunion, but they are no longer speaking.  She is not sure where he is, but she gave me his full name and where he last lived.  I have two full brothers. JA and T.  JA will be 28 in December, and T turned 24 in July.

That's all for tonight.  I'll write more next time about my siblings, but right now, I'm about to fall asleep.  It doesn't help that my hand seriously hurts from writing.