Thursday, April 19, 2012
Thursday December 18, 2008
R finally made contact. A quick comment on myspace. "Just checking in to see what's up." I responded with, "too much to leave in one comment. you?" No response, as of yet. Go figure. It feels like he sent just enough to get my hopes up. Now, it is a wait and see game all over again. All I want to know is, why initiate it if you don't want to continue it? I will probably never understand. The bigger problem is that I will never confront him about it because I don't want to scare him off.
November 21, 2008
I've decided to post some entries from my personal journal. I still have yet to figure out what I want to write for my more recent posts.
(Beginning of journal.)
I figured, after that hospital stay and the doctor saying it was stress, it was time to get a journal. Keeping a journal has always been a stress reliever for me. It helps to just let it all out. It clears all of the crap out of my head that is just swirling around in there. My head is constantly a jumbled up mess. Thoughts constantly racing around. I'm always over-analyzing things. One phrase or comment can sit in my brain for weeks. I think of a hundred different meanings to it, and I can always turn it into something absolutely horrible.
Let's get down to some of the jumbled up crap. It all started in June. I found my biological mother Sandra. I found her the day before my 25th birthday. June 12, 2008. The first phone call was wonderful. She said, "I have been thinking about you, praying for you, and wondering where you have been for 25 years. Well, 25 years tomorrow." I was amazed that she had remembered my birthday. I don't know why I didn't think she would. Maybe it is because for 25 years, I celebrated my birthday with my mom. She didn't have me to celebrate with. I guess, I figured if you don't celebrate something every year, then you forget. I don't know if she did something each year for my birthday. I still don't know if she did because I have never asked. I think I am too afraid to hear that she didn't even think about me on that day. I am afraid to hear that she tried to forget about that day. I honestly don't know what I would do if faced with that situation. I don't know if I would want to remember the day I relinquished my child. I think it would cause too much pain. Then again, I don't think I could ever forget. I don't think I could ever forget the child that I carried for nine months. The child that kicked me, that I talked to, sang to, and read to. Sandra has my total respect. She made it through something that I don't think a lot of people could even think of doing.
Our first face-to-face meeting went just as good. I was so nervous. I didn't know if we should hug or shake hands. When she called and said she was at my apartment, I went outside. She parked her minivan. My heart was pounding. It felt like it would beat right out of my chest. I still wasn't quite sure how to greet her. Then she got out. I ran down the stairs, and we ran up to each other and hugged. It was completely natural for me. We were both crying. We just stood there holding each other. I immediately felt a connection to her. It was like I had found the part of me that had been missing. I had always had that small void even before I found out I was adopted. I wasn't sure why I had felt it, but I had never felt totally complete. When I found out I was adopted, I finally began to understand what that feeling had been. I don't know why I had that missing part. I had a good childhood. Sure, my dad wasn't always around, but my mom was AMAZING. She was my best friend, and she still is. Now that I am older, however, I am starting to realize that it was that bond. No matter how many years we were separated, Sandra and I will always have that bond. Most people will never understand it, and quite a few probably won't believe it, but Sandra and I did bond. We bonded for those nine months that I was in her womb. 25 years separated didn't even break that bond.
The first meeting went wonderfully the entire time. She was completely open and honest with me. She answered every question that I asked. She answered one of the most important questions. Why did you give me up for adoption? The answer was simple. We couldn't take care of you, and we wanted better for you. Those were the sweetest words I ever heard. I was always so worried that I was given up because I wasn't wanted.
I also found out something I had always wondered about, my brothers and sisters. I found out I have a brother named L. He is thirty. Sandra gave him up for adoption when she was fifteen. She said she found him a few years ago, but she was still in a bad place in her life. I'm not sure what went wrong in their reunion, but they are no longer speaking. She is not sure where he is, but she gave me his full name and where he last lived. I have two full brothers. JA and T. JA will be 28 in December, and T turned 24 in July.
That's all for tonight. I'll write more next time about my siblings, but right now, I'm about to fall asleep. It doesn't help that my hand seriously hurts from writing.
(Beginning of journal.)
I figured, after that hospital stay and the doctor saying it was stress, it was time to get a journal. Keeping a journal has always been a stress reliever for me. It helps to just let it all out. It clears all of the crap out of my head that is just swirling around in there. My head is constantly a jumbled up mess. Thoughts constantly racing around. I'm always over-analyzing things. One phrase or comment can sit in my brain for weeks. I think of a hundred different meanings to it, and I can always turn it into something absolutely horrible.
Let's get down to some of the jumbled up crap. It all started in June. I found my biological mother Sandra. I found her the day before my 25th birthday. June 12, 2008. The first phone call was wonderful. She said, "I have been thinking about you, praying for you, and wondering where you have been for 25 years. Well, 25 years tomorrow." I was amazed that she had remembered my birthday. I don't know why I didn't think she would. Maybe it is because for 25 years, I celebrated my birthday with my mom. She didn't have me to celebrate with. I guess, I figured if you don't celebrate something every year, then you forget. I don't know if she did something each year for my birthday. I still don't know if she did because I have never asked. I think I am too afraid to hear that she didn't even think about me on that day. I am afraid to hear that she tried to forget about that day. I honestly don't know what I would do if faced with that situation. I don't know if I would want to remember the day I relinquished my child. I think it would cause too much pain. Then again, I don't think I could ever forget. I don't think I could ever forget the child that I carried for nine months. The child that kicked me, that I talked to, sang to, and read to. Sandra has my total respect. She made it through something that I don't think a lot of people could even think of doing.
Our first face-to-face meeting went just as good. I was so nervous. I didn't know if we should hug or shake hands. When she called and said she was at my apartment, I went outside. She parked her minivan. My heart was pounding. It felt like it would beat right out of my chest. I still wasn't quite sure how to greet her. Then she got out. I ran down the stairs, and we ran up to each other and hugged. It was completely natural for me. We were both crying. We just stood there holding each other. I immediately felt a connection to her. It was like I had found the part of me that had been missing. I had always had that small void even before I found out I was adopted. I wasn't sure why I had felt it, but I had never felt totally complete. When I found out I was adopted, I finally began to understand what that feeling had been. I don't know why I had that missing part. I had a good childhood. Sure, my dad wasn't always around, but my mom was AMAZING. She was my best friend, and she still is. Now that I am older, however, I am starting to realize that it was that bond. No matter how many years we were separated, Sandra and I will always have that bond. Most people will never understand it, and quite a few probably won't believe it, but Sandra and I did bond. We bonded for those nine months that I was in her womb. 25 years separated didn't even break that bond.
The first meeting went wonderfully the entire time. She was completely open and honest with me. She answered every question that I asked. She answered one of the most important questions. Why did you give me up for adoption? The answer was simple. We couldn't take care of you, and we wanted better for you. Those were the sweetest words I ever heard. I was always so worried that I was given up because I wasn't wanted.
I also found out something I had always wondered about, my brothers and sisters. I found out I have a brother named L. He is thirty. Sandra gave him up for adoption when she was fifteen. She said she found him a few years ago, but she was still in a bad place in her life. I'm not sure what went wrong in their reunion, but they are no longer speaking. She is not sure where he is, but she gave me his full name and where he last lived. I have two full brothers. JA and T. JA will be 28 in December, and T turned 24 in July.
That's all for tonight. I'll write more next time about my siblings, but right now, I'm about to fall asleep. It doesn't help that my hand seriously hurts from writing.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Letting Go?
Hummm, where to start? Well, my prediction blog from a few months back came true. Me and my older brother texted a lot when he first moved, but that started dropping off about a month ago. We've only skyped twice.
I just need to let go a bit. If this is the way he wants to live his life, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, so be it. It's not like I've tried telling him to move, and to go where the money is, and where he can be most successful. Sure, I posted a blog on it, and some other not so nice stuff. I posted that here instead of saying it to him directly via text. For the past two months, I have been trying to make him feel better about what he did. I've covered up my own feelings, and I've lied. I don't like the fact that I lied to him, but I also didn't like him feeling like shit about himself.
I feel like I'm a glutton for punishment because I always wanted a big brother, and maybe this is why I put myself out there. I know a lot of older brothers torture (I use that term loosely) their younger siblings as children. We are adults though. I mean maybe it is all part of that bonding that we never had.
I can't help but feel like I've been rejected again. It has been like the fifth time. First, it was at birth. The second, third, and fourth time it was from J not accepting me for who I am. This is the fifth time. I'm done with putting myself out there. It is almost like I'm a masochist. I hate that. I was always a never put up with the bullshit type of girl. Now, it feels like that is half of my life. I've made excuses and stood up for my older brother.
As of that one infamous blog post, I was threatened to be sued. That is taking it too far. I refuse, now, to go down there. I've subjected myself to enough of the other person's shit (not my older brother.) Yes, blog stalker, go ahead and print this one off too. I'm not going to be threatened to be sued. Here... I'll go ahead and post the text I received, with date and time stamps.
April 3, 3:57pm - (other person) Remove my name from your blog just like you have been told
April 3, 3:58pm - (me) Nope. I removed the one post prior to that you had given me permission. Now that you have revoked it, it will not be used. And by the way you don't tell me what to do.
April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Remove from all of them
April 3, 3:59pm - (me) Nope. Read the previous text.
April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Will contact attorney then
April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Go for it as you have no case
April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Do not contact me again.
Now, I will also abide by this no contact thing, and that means not going down there to see my older brother and T. I do not have money to drive 8 hours and get a hotel room, especially with a new baby. Therefor, this is my only conclusion, as much as it saddens me to say it. Now, of course, this is just for now. Who knows what will happen in the future, whether it be near or far. For my own sanity, I need to let go a bit and expect nothing.
I just need to let go a bit. If this is the way he wants to live his life, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, so be it. It's not like I've tried telling him to move, and to go where the money is, and where he can be most successful. Sure, I posted a blog on it, and some other not so nice stuff. I posted that here instead of saying it to him directly via text. For the past two months, I have been trying to make him feel better about what he did. I've covered up my own feelings, and I've lied. I don't like the fact that I lied to him, but I also didn't like him feeling like shit about himself.
I feel like I'm a glutton for punishment because I always wanted a big brother, and maybe this is why I put myself out there. I know a lot of older brothers torture (I use that term loosely) their younger siblings as children. We are adults though. I mean maybe it is all part of that bonding that we never had.
I can't help but feel like I've been rejected again. It has been like the fifth time. First, it was at birth. The second, third, and fourth time it was from J not accepting me for who I am. This is the fifth time. I'm done with putting myself out there. It is almost like I'm a masochist. I hate that. I was always a never put up with the bullshit type of girl. Now, it feels like that is half of my life. I've made excuses and stood up for my older brother.
As of that one infamous blog post, I was threatened to be sued. That is taking it too far. I refuse, now, to go down there. I've subjected myself to enough of the other person's shit (not my older brother.) Yes, blog stalker, go ahead and print this one off too. I'm not going to be threatened to be sued. Here... I'll go ahead and post the text I received, with date and time stamps.
April 3, 3:57pm - (other person) Remove my name from your blog just like you have been told
April 3, 3:58pm - (me) Nope. I removed the one post prior to that you had given me permission. Now that you have revoked it, it will not be used. And by the way you don't tell me what to do.
April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Remove from all of them
April 3, 3:59pm - (me) Nope. Read the previous text.
April 3, 3:59pm - (other person) Will contact attorney then
April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Go for it as you have no case
April 3, 4:00pm - (me) Do not contact me again.
Now, I will also abide by this no contact thing, and that means not going down there to see my older brother and T. I do not have money to drive 8 hours and get a hotel room, especially with a new baby. Therefor, this is my only conclusion, as much as it saddens me to say it. Now, of course, this is just for now. Who knows what will happen in the future, whether it be near or far. For my own sanity, I need to let go a bit and expect nothing.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wow, the audacity of people.
Unlike some people I know, I at least have had the balls to not "hide" my posts.. Guess what... I can still see those.....
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Hummm
So, I will possibly be starting a new blog. I won't share that with anybody.. Nobody but a select few knew about this blog, and they stopped following years ago when I stopped writing in it. Now, to think of a new name. I really liked the Finding the Missing Me thing.... Oh well! :)
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