It has been 16 days since I last saw my brother, and I miss him terribly. It is like a piece of me was taken away when he left. It is hard to explain, and I don't have anybody I can really talk to about it. Jacob is moving up here the weekend of April 22 (we hope.) It feels like that is an eternity away. It is harder to stay connected on the internet especially if you are like me. I usually have at least 4 different tabs open that I am surfing at one point or another. You have something that needs to be taken care of, and you walk away from the computer. We've only skyped twice since they left. I also miss Shelly. It's hard, but I know it will be better here soon.
I think that the closeness of me and Jacob has effected the relationship I have with A. It feels like she is distancing herself from me a bit. I hope that isn't true, but that is what it feels like. I don't know why me and Jacob have such a strong connection, but I'm glad we do. I hope it never changes. They say the intensity will wear down in six months to a year, but I hope it doesn't. I don't know. It is frustrating being so far away. It scares me that we may lose that strong connection we had when he was here. I hope it is the same when he gets back. Ugh, so many crazy thoughts running through my head right now. I just wish we would talk online as much as we did when he first left. We would spend HOURS talking, and I know he is packing and preparing for the move with Shelly. I know he has a life, but I feel like I'm not a big part of it right now. Yes, I know that is silly.
Well, that is all for now. I'll try updating more frequently.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Older Brother
For those that have read my posts in the past, you know I've always wanted a big brother. I have one. I met him on March 20, 2011. The connection with him is something I never expected.
I have asked and he has given me permission to use his name, so he will no longer be known as JB.. He is now Jacob. My birth mother formally known as S has given me permission to use her first name as well. She will now be known as Sandra.
We'll start from the beginning. Jacob, Shelly (Jacob's fiance,) and Sandra all came up for a visit. Jacob hadn't seen Sandra in I think 22 years. I'm not going to tell his story because it is his to tell. Not mine.
I remember I called them about 5 times in an hour and a half. I was so paranoid cause me and mom were trying to get the house cleaned, and we still hadn't gotten ready! I called and Sandra said they were in Harrisonville. That is only about 40 minutes from my house. They had made it from Arkansas to Missouri in about 5 1/2 hours. We had gotten the house cleaned, and I told mom I was going to do my hair and makeup. I did my makeup and my hair, and she was still cleaning the kitchen. I then washed her hair for her in the sink, and she got changed. They were there 5 minutes after we got done. Luckily, dinner wasn't for another hour. I asked mom to video our reunion. She messed up the video though, but it is ok. I will always remember that meeting. I saw the car pull up, and I yelled at mom to get over to the door. I had stepped on glass a few days before, but I still managed to limp/run over to Jacob. We hugged for what felt like five minutes. I had a permanent smile glued to my face, and my cheeks started to hurt. I finally had the brother I always wanted.
We got introductions out of the way, and we started visiting. That is when A (half sister) got there. They hugged, and then we started taking pictures. Sandra and I got caught up, and then we went to dinner. We went to GoJo's Steakhouse. It was the same place Anna and I had met. It seemed fitting. Sandra, my mom, step-dad, son, A, her fiance, Jacob, Shelly, and I all went there. It is an amazing Japanese steakhouse. We ate dinner, and we laughed and talked. It was a little hard to hear each other, but we got to talk a bit more in the car since Jacob, Sandra, and Shelly all rode with me.
Most things are a blur for me, like what days what things happened and such. Sandra's sister came over and so did her husband. Our cousin was also there. I can't remember if that was the first night or the second night. I think it was the second night. I think it was great for Jacob because they filled in some memories for him.
The third day we went to A's house, and she showed Jacob and Shelly the land that her and her fiance live on. We rented and watched The Fighter, and we all talked. It was a chilly and somewhat rainy day outside, but it didn't matter. We still walked around talking and having fun. Jacob and A's fiance seemed to get along really great. It's always good when a sibling gets along with your significant other. It makes things a lot easier. We ended up heading back to my mom's house because she had made a special meal for everybody. She made pork tenderloin, baked potatoes, broccoli and cheese, and salad. I noticed then that Jacob and I had one weird thing in common. We both ate our broccoli and cheese first, then munched on salad, then the potato, then he ate meat (I didn't get any,) and then the rest of the salad. The funny part was after all of that we both ate the rest of our potato, skin and all! Nobody else in my family does that, so it was funny to me.
The next night we all went out to the casino. It was a great time, but you could feel the sadness in the air because they were going to leave the next day. Our cousin and her boyfriend were the only ones to win, but I didn't care. We left the casino, and Shelly got a picture of Jacob and me in a phone booth. We were walking out to the car, and you could tell something was wrong with Jacob. Shelly and I just kept looking at him, but he said he didn't want to talk about it. That is when he decided that they were staying longer.
The rest of the time we stayed in and hung out. We got to talk a lot, and we got to know each other better. I'm probably getting a lot of the things confused, but I really don't care about that.
The most important part to me is that this is the strongest connection I have made so far. We are alike in so many different ways. My heart finally feels full because it feels like that part that was missing is finally complete. I know I still have other siblings to meet, but I'm just so happy that this reunion has gone so well. My husband has said that he hasn't seen me this happy in a long time.
I have so many more stories to tell, but those will have to be saved for another time. I will also try and keep up with this blog more because I really want to remember everything I can.
I have asked and he has given me permission to use his name, so he will no longer be known as JB.. He is now Jacob. My birth mother formally known as S has given me permission to use her first name as well. She will now be known as Sandra.
We'll start from the beginning. Jacob, Shelly (Jacob's fiance,) and Sandra all came up for a visit. Jacob hadn't seen Sandra in I think 22 years. I'm not going to tell his story because it is his to tell. Not mine.
I remember I called them about 5 times in an hour and a half. I was so paranoid cause me and mom were trying to get the house cleaned, and we still hadn't gotten ready! I called and Sandra said they were in Harrisonville. That is only about 40 minutes from my house. They had made it from Arkansas to Missouri in about 5 1/2 hours. We had gotten the house cleaned, and I told mom I was going to do my hair and makeup. I did my makeup and my hair, and she was still cleaning the kitchen. I then washed her hair for her in the sink, and she got changed. They were there 5 minutes after we got done. Luckily, dinner wasn't for another hour. I asked mom to video our reunion. She messed up the video though, but it is ok. I will always remember that meeting. I saw the car pull up, and I yelled at mom to get over to the door. I had stepped on glass a few days before, but I still managed to limp/run over to Jacob. We hugged for what felt like five minutes. I had a permanent smile glued to my face, and my cheeks started to hurt. I finally had the brother I always wanted.
We got introductions out of the way, and we started visiting. That is when A (half sister) got there. They hugged, and then we started taking pictures. Sandra and I got caught up, and then we went to dinner. We went to GoJo's Steakhouse. It was the same place Anna and I had met. It seemed fitting. Sandra, my mom, step-dad, son, A, her fiance, Jacob, Shelly, and I all went there. It is an amazing Japanese steakhouse. We ate dinner, and we laughed and talked. It was a little hard to hear each other, but we got to talk a bit more in the car since Jacob, Sandra, and Shelly all rode with me.
Most things are a blur for me, like what days what things happened and such. Sandra's sister came over and so did her husband. Our cousin was also there. I can't remember if that was the first night or the second night. I think it was the second night. I think it was great for Jacob because they filled in some memories for him.
The third day we went to A's house, and she showed Jacob and Shelly the land that her and her fiance live on. We rented and watched The Fighter, and we all talked. It was a chilly and somewhat rainy day outside, but it didn't matter. We still walked around talking and having fun. Jacob and A's fiance seemed to get along really great. It's always good when a sibling gets along with your significant other. It makes things a lot easier. We ended up heading back to my mom's house because she had made a special meal for everybody. She made pork tenderloin, baked potatoes, broccoli and cheese, and salad. I noticed then that Jacob and I had one weird thing in common. We both ate our broccoli and cheese first, then munched on salad, then the potato, then he ate meat (I didn't get any,) and then the rest of the salad. The funny part was after all of that we both ate the rest of our potato, skin and all! Nobody else in my family does that, so it was funny to me.
The next night we all went out to the casino. It was a great time, but you could feel the sadness in the air because they were going to leave the next day. Our cousin and her boyfriend were the only ones to win, but I didn't care. We left the casino, and Shelly got a picture of Jacob and me in a phone booth. We were walking out to the car, and you could tell something was wrong with Jacob. Shelly and I just kept looking at him, but he said he didn't want to talk about it. That is when he decided that they were staying longer.
The rest of the time we stayed in and hung out. We got to talk a lot, and we got to know each other better. I'm probably getting a lot of the things confused, but I really don't care about that.
The most important part to me is that this is the strongest connection I have made so far. We are alike in so many different ways. My heart finally feels full because it feels like that part that was missing is finally complete. I know I still have other siblings to meet, but I'm just so happy that this reunion has gone so well. My husband has said that he hasn't seen me this happy in a long time.
I have so many more stories to tell, but those will have to be saved for another time. I will also try and keep up with this blog more because I really want to remember everything I can.
Monday, October 4, 2010
My luck
I never thought of myself as lucky...
I've read too many horror stories of birth family reunions to know that with my bad luck.. I was probably going to just be another statistic...
I, however, was not unlucky... I'm actually quite lucky. I'm going to go into how it has been going.. Let me just refresh your memories on how I "name" these people..
S - Birth Mother
J - Birth Father
A - Birth Sister
L - Birth Sister
M - Birth Sister
C - Birth Sister
S - Birth Sister
JB - Birth Brother
R - Birth Brother
T - Birth Brother
I will work on talking to them about using their first names... That way it will be a tad less confusing..
It has been a very long time since I've written here. I had actually forgotten that I had this blog... Well, enough of that. Let's get into the story...
I'm going to start where I left off. I contacted A.. We finally met at a place called GoJo's Steakhouse... She walked in, and I knew exactly who she was. We were all sitting there eating, and we ordered the same foods... Sometimes we even did the same special order... Like none of this but more of that.. It freaked me out! When we spoke to each other it was like I had known her all of my life... She understood me, and I understood her... She has the same sense of humor as me, and she likes a lot of the same things I like.. How crazy is that?
I know there is this whole nature vs. nurture debate, but I mean COME ON! Me and A were raised in very different households... We had never met before, and we have the same tastes in music, men, food, movies, and a few other things.. Clothes is not one of them.. She doesn't dress up that often, but when she does... She is STUNNING...
We were eating and having a great time.. We even took a picture together.. Well, more then one... I just sat there thinking, how could there be somebody out there who is soooo like me.... It is the most surreal feeling out there.
After dinner, we promised we would keep in contact, and we have ever since... She came to my wedding, and she danced with me.. I was there through her daughter's open heart surgery.. Her birthday is today... We didn't get to see each other, but we did talk on the phone for a bit...
I'm so happy that I found A.. She is like me in so many ways, and she understands me.. She wants this reunion just as much as I do... I hope that it continues like this until the day we die...
I've been told that there are a lot of ups and downs with reunions, but I've only had ups so far with A.. I hope it stays that way...
I'll be posting more often on some of the stories that have happened along this journey... Enjoy!
I've read too many horror stories of birth family reunions to know that with my bad luck.. I was probably going to just be another statistic...
I, however, was not unlucky... I'm actually quite lucky. I'm going to go into how it has been going.. Let me just refresh your memories on how I "name" these people..
S - Birth Mother
J - Birth Father
A - Birth Sister
L - Birth Sister
M - Birth Sister
C - Birth Sister
S - Birth Sister
JB - Birth Brother
R - Birth Brother
T - Birth Brother
I will work on talking to them about using their first names... That way it will be a tad less confusing..
It has been a very long time since I've written here. I had actually forgotten that I had this blog... Well, enough of that. Let's get into the story...
I'm going to start where I left off. I contacted A.. We finally met at a place called GoJo's Steakhouse... She walked in, and I knew exactly who she was. We were all sitting there eating, and we ordered the same foods... Sometimes we even did the same special order... Like none of this but more of that.. It freaked me out! When we spoke to each other it was like I had known her all of my life... She understood me, and I understood her... She has the same sense of humor as me, and she likes a lot of the same things I like.. How crazy is that?
I know there is this whole nature vs. nurture debate, but I mean COME ON! Me and A were raised in very different households... We had never met before, and we have the same tastes in music, men, food, movies, and a few other things.. Clothes is not one of them.. She doesn't dress up that often, but when she does... She is STUNNING...
We were eating and having a great time.. We even took a picture together.. Well, more then one... I just sat there thinking, how could there be somebody out there who is soooo like me.... It is the most surreal feeling out there.
After dinner, we promised we would keep in contact, and we have ever since... She came to my wedding, and she danced with me.. I was there through her daughter's open heart surgery.. Her birthday is today... We didn't get to see each other, but we did talk on the phone for a bit...
I'm so happy that I found A.. She is like me in so many ways, and she understands me.. She wants this reunion just as much as I do... I hope that it continues like this until the day we die...
I've been told that there are a lot of ups and downs with reunions, but I've only had ups so far with A.. I hope it stays that way...
I'll be posting more often on some of the stories that have happened along this journey... Enjoy!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
A sister
Well, I initiated contact with my sister, A. I sent her a message on MySpace. She seems much more into contact. We’ve already sent three or four messages back and forth. Maybe she can be the one to help connect me and R (my brother.) Hopefully, we can all have a good relationship one day.
I don’t really know how I feel. It’s odd, seeing somebody with my chin. My mom almost fell on the floor when she saw A. She said, that is definitely your sister.
I don’t have much else to write at this time. Except, I’m thrilled!
I don’t really know how I feel. It’s odd, seeing somebody with my chin. My mom almost fell on the floor when she saw A. She said, that is definitely your sister.
I don’t have much else to write at this time. Except, I’m thrilled!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Terrified
I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of rejection. As most of you know I'm on this whole reunion roller coaster, and I'm terrified that they won't like me. I'm terrified they won't want to be in contact with me.
Why am I so terrified? I have a great family. I have a wonderful sister and mother and father. Why do I need to be accepted by these people that I don't know?
I think the thing I'm most terrified of is not being able to be around my siblings. When I found out I was adopted I wanted to meet my brothers and sisters. That was my main thing. It always has been and it always will be, but now that I've found some of them, I'm so worried that they won't want me in their lives. I still have 5 more that I need to either find or talk to, and I'm so scared that when I do they will reject me. I found out I have 9 biological siblings. NINE, that is just insane, and I know most of the don't know about me. I know for a fact that all but three didn't know about me. The only three who did were my biological sisters from my biological mother. I'm not even sure they knew about me until I made contact. It sucks being hidden. It sucks that people don't remember me or didn't know I existed. It sucks having to be the one to break the news to them that they have more siblings or that they have another one to add to the list.
I found my biological brother, and I'm scared to death to contact him anymore. I don't want to interrupt his life, and I don't want to interrupt anymore of their lives. The problem is there's something inside me that says you have to do this. You have to find them. Then as soon as I do I'm terrified of what they outcome may be. I'm scared that after the initial contact they'll shy away from me.
I don't know what to do anymore. I was so excited, but now I'm in shock. I don't know how to process all of this, and it is starting to stress me out.
How do I not intrude? How can I integrate myself into this new life? How can I get over the fear of being rejected by my siblings?
Why am I so terrified? I have a great family. I have a wonderful sister and mother and father. Why do I need to be accepted by these people that I don't know?
I think the thing I'm most terrified of is not being able to be around my siblings. When I found out I was adopted I wanted to meet my brothers and sisters. That was my main thing. It always has been and it always will be, but now that I've found some of them, I'm so worried that they won't want me in their lives. I still have 5 more that I need to either find or talk to, and I'm so scared that when I do they will reject me. I found out I have 9 biological siblings. NINE, that is just insane, and I know most of the don't know about me. I know for a fact that all but three didn't know about me. The only three who did were my biological sisters from my biological mother. I'm not even sure they knew about me until I made contact. It sucks being hidden. It sucks that people don't remember me or didn't know I existed. It sucks having to be the one to break the news to them that they have more siblings or that they have another one to add to the list.
I found my biological brother, and I'm scared to death to contact him anymore. I don't want to interrupt his life, and I don't want to interrupt anymore of their lives. The problem is there's something inside me that says you have to do this. You have to find them. Then as soon as I do I'm terrified of what they outcome may be. I'm scared that after the initial contact they'll shy away from me.
I don't know what to do anymore. I was so excited, but now I'm in shock. I don't know how to process all of this, and it is starting to stress me out.
How do I not intrude? How can I integrate myself into this new life? How can I get over the fear of being rejected by my siblings?
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