I wake up and it's noon. Oh shit runs through my mind about 20 times. How did I forget to set the alarm clock? I haven't cleaned my room. I haven't cleaned the desk. I haven't taken a shower, and she'll be here in an hour! I call my mom as I'm throwing things in the closet, and I start crying. She'll be here soon! My mom says just throw all the stuff in the closet and shut the door. Well, of course, why didn't I think of that? I think I still have that stuff in my closet from Monday! I hang up with my mom and next thing you know S is on the phone! She's at I-70 and 435. That's like I dunno, 30 minutes from my house. I hop into the shower after telling her how to get to 152 and 435. The phone rings again, and it's only been about 5 minutes. Jesus, this woman has a lead foot. Why didn't I inherit that? I tell her how to get to my house from 152. I wash my hair out, dry off, throw on some clothes, and wrap a towel around my head. Phone rings. She's here! I run outside to show her which apartment and she sees me. At this point, I no longer care that my house is semi-messy. My hair is wrapped in an old towel. She's HERE! I run down the stairs barefoot over god knows what and we still have our phones in our hands and we just give each other a big hug. She comes inside and I give her the grand tour of the house.
We sit down and we were looking at pictures. She said I looked like J's side of the family. I still swear we have the same eyes. We went through picture after picture. Then we started to play some Wii. I didn't want to but my son would not shut up about it! We talked while she played that. Then my fiancé got home, they talked for a bit, and I realized it was 4pm. We needed to get ready to go to eat. It ended up my mom, my grandma, S, my son, and nephew all went to Olive Garden. I shouldn't have allowed my nephew to come. I knew, full well, that my son and him would not get along or behave. I was right. I took them outside to have a talk with them, and S came with me. I think she may have felt a little uncomfortable around my mom without me there. We came back in and ate salad and breadsticks and our food. We made chit-chat and the normal stuff. We were ready for the bill when a friend of mine from work (I asked him to take care of us) came out and said everything but the alcohol had been taken care of. He said he wasn't supposed to say who, but I knew. I work at that Olive Garden. A few people came up to take a look and ask a question or two. We had our dessert to go then went home to get ready for T-ball.
When we were at the T-Ball game we asked the normal questions. How was your life. Things like that. We watched B (my son's) T-ball game. She took a bunch of pictures of me for my sisters, and I took a bunch of her for myself. Greedy me. When we got home she went to stay the night at her sister's house in Lee's Summit.
More to come on another day!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
An Adoption Song
This is a song about adoption that is really close to my heart. Whenever I wanted to search for S and J this is the song that would get me started. The song is by Edwin McCain.
"Letter To My Mother"
Mama, how do I write the words to you
You were the only one who loved me true
But there's a woman that we don't even know
She gave me life, then you gave me a home
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
I close my eyes, does she look like me
Does she need my help, is she cold on the street
Am I forgotten like a bad childhood dream
A B-movie actor on the black and white screen
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Is that her little boy still loves you
Could I have seen her, I'll never know
Maybe she's always been there watching me grow
I wanted to tell her how grateful I am
For giving me life, I've done the best that I can
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Her little boy still loves you
"Letter To My Mother"
Mama, how do I write the words to you
You were the only one who loved me true
But there's a woman that we don't even know
She gave me life, then you gave me a home
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
I close my eyes, does she look like me
Does she need my help, is she cold on the street
Am I forgotten like a bad childhood dream
A B-movie actor on the black and white screen
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Is that her little boy still loves you
Could I have seen her, I'll never know
Maybe she's always been there watching me grow
I wanted to tell her how grateful I am
For giving me life, I've done the best that I can
I love you, Mama
But I want to tell her too
Is that her little boy still loves you
Her little boy still loves you
My Feelings About Being Adopted
This is something that I haven't really talked about to many people, but I feel it is a huge part of my story. I don't think many people are reading, so that is what is allowing me to write this at this time.
I grew up in a normal nuclear family until I was around age twelve. I had always tried to figure out why my sister and I were only seven months apart, but in my young mind I never guessed one of us was adopted. I always looked like my mom. I looked more like my mom then my sister did. She has blond hair and blue eyes. She is tall and very thin. My mom and I both have dark hair and dark eyes. We are shorter in stature and we are not completely thin. We both have hazel eyes. We both even have hair on our legs that grows fast. Trust me, that is extremely annoying. When Mom told me that I was adopted thoughts ran through my head that she was lying. I thought my sister was adopted, and she was telling me I was because she thought I could handle it better then my sister. Later on, I gave into the fact that my mom never gave birth to me. As I grew up, I accepted this.
There were always things after I found out that made me compared my sister and myself. Whenever she got something better or more clothes for school, I blamed it on the fact that she was their biological child. Whenever my dad was more mean to me, I figured it was because I was not his blood. I didn't really go through abandonment issues until I found out that I was the only one she gave up for adoption. (My parents didn't know that she had given a boy up when she was fifteen.) I wondered why I was given up. My parents said that she had two boys that she kept. I wondered if it was because I was a girl. Why wouldn't a mother want her baby girl? I never understood, and I probably won't until later in this reunion. She has told me that it was because she couldn't take care of me. I will accept this. I now know it wasn't just because I was a girl. She has three other girls now that are in her life. I used to be angry with her, mainly because, I thought she had given me up for the wrong reasons. I don't know why I get angry sometimes. I think it is because when I'm mad at my parents I wonder what my life would have been like with her. She has told me that it wasn't good, and I believe her. It doesn't make me wonder any less, though.
There's always something else I've wondered. What would it have been like to grow up with an older brother? I'm the oldest child in my family. Well, there's only two of us and my sister is younger so that makes me, of course, the oldest. I don't know if it is some kind of bond that I still have with my birth family, but I've always thought about an older brother. I never wanted an older sister. I wanted an older brother who would protect me when a boy was picking on me. I wanted an older brother who would go kick some guys ass because he had broke my heart. My dad was never that sort of man. He would just rather not get involved in the fact that I even had a boyfriend. That, of course, was when I was younger. Now that I'm older, he loves the fact that I'm engaged.
I wonder if it's every adoptee who feels this way. Wonders if they weren't good enough or loved enough. I hope that's not the reason that anybody is put up for adoption, but to think that, is to be naive. It does happen. I just hope that's not the beginning to my story.
I grew up in a normal nuclear family until I was around age twelve. I had always tried to figure out why my sister and I were only seven months apart, but in my young mind I never guessed one of us was adopted. I always looked like my mom. I looked more like my mom then my sister did. She has blond hair and blue eyes. She is tall and very thin. My mom and I both have dark hair and dark eyes. We are shorter in stature and we are not completely thin. We both have hazel eyes. We both even have hair on our legs that grows fast. Trust me, that is extremely annoying. When Mom told me that I was adopted thoughts ran through my head that she was lying. I thought my sister was adopted, and she was telling me I was because she thought I could handle it better then my sister. Later on, I gave into the fact that my mom never gave birth to me. As I grew up, I accepted this.
There were always things after I found out that made me compared my sister and myself. Whenever she got something better or more clothes for school, I blamed it on the fact that she was their biological child. Whenever my dad was more mean to me, I figured it was because I was not his blood. I didn't really go through abandonment issues until I found out that I was the only one she gave up for adoption. (My parents didn't know that she had given a boy up when she was fifteen.) I wondered why I was given up. My parents said that she had two boys that she kept. I wondered if it was because I was a girl. Why wouldn't a mother want her baby girl? I never understood, and I probably won't until later in this reunion. She has told me that it was because she couldn't take care of me. I will accept this. I now know it wasn't just because I was a girl. She has three other girls now that are in her life. I used to be angry with her, mainly because, I thought she had given me up for the wrong reasons. I don't know why I get angry sometimes. I think it is because when I'm mad at my parents I wonder what my life would have been like with her. She has told me that it wasn't good, and I believe her. It doesn't make me wonder any less, though.
There's always something else I've wondered. What would it have been like to grow up with an older brother? I'm the oldest child in my family. Well, there's only two of us and my sister is younger so that makes me, of course, the oldest. I don't know if it is some kind of bond that I still have with my birth family, but I've always thought about an older brother. I never wanted an older sister. I wanted an older brother who would protect me when a boy was picking on me. I wanted an older brother who would go kick some guys ass because he had broke my heart. My dad was never that sort of man. He would just rather not get involved in the fact that I even had a boyfriend. That, of course, was when I was younger. Now that I'm older, he loves the fact that I'm engaged.
I wonder if it's every adoptee who feels this way. Wonders if they weren't good enough or loved enough. I hope that's not the reason that anybody is put up for adoption, but to think that, is to be naive. It does happen. I just hope that's not the beginning to my story.
Amazing Adoption Quotes
Here are some adoption quotes, poems, and songs. These are quotes that have meaning to me. Special meanings. I won't explain them to anybody, but I thought I would share them.
"Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute. You didn't grow under my heart, but in it"
"There are ex-husbands and ex-wives but there are no ex-moms, ex-dads or ex-children" - Anon
By Elaine Rideau Tomlin
In the stillness of the morning -
In the hush before the dawn -
A cry screams through the silence -
And a new life has been born.
And she wonders what will happen -
To her newborn baby girl -
How she wishes she could keep her -
And protect her from the worl.
But she knows that there are "others" -
Who would gladly give the world -
To have the chance to hold and love -
Her precious little girl.
And she prays to God for guidance -
As she holds that tiny hand -
With the desperate hope that someday -
Her child will understand.
So she bravely signs the papers -
And the tears fall from her eyes -
As she signs away her baby -
The light inside her dies.
One last kiss she gives her darling -
For the "others" have now come -
To claim the life she gave them -
Now a family has begun.
And with heavy heart she watches -
As they hold "their" little girl -
How she wishes she could somehow share -
A small part of their world.
But she knows this will not happen -
That for her it cannot be -
And always she will wonder -
About the child she'll never see.
NOW the times, they are a'changing -
And a new dawn has begun -
Soon ALL will be together -
With new hope for everyone.
© Copyright Elaine Rideau Tomlin...Adoptee...1986
"Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute. You didn't grow under my heart, but in it"
"There are ex-husbands and ex-wives but there are no ex-moms, ex-dads or ex-children" - Anon
By Elaine Rideau Tomlin
In the stillness of the morning -
In the hush before the dawn -
A cry screams through the silence -
And a new life has been born.
And she wonders what will happen -
To her newborn baby girl -
How she wishes she could keep her -
And protect her from the worl.
But she knows that there are "others" -
Who would gladly give the world -
To have the chance to hold and love -
Her precious little girl.
And she prays to God for guidance -
As she holds that tiny hand -
With the desperate hope that someday -
Her child will understand.
So she bravely signs the papers -
And the tears fall from her eyes -
As she signs away her baby -
The light inside her dies.
One last kiss she gives her darling -
For the "others" have now come -
To claim the life she gave them -
Now a family has begun.
And with heavy heart she watches -
As they hold "their" little girl -
How she wishes she could somehow share -
A small part of their world.
But she knows this will not happen -
That for her it cannot be -
And always she will wonder -
About the child she'll never see.
NOW the times, they are a'changing -
And a new dawn has begun -
Soon ALL will be together -
With new hope for everyone.
© Copyright Elaine Rideau Tomlin...Adoptee...1986
Sunday, June 15, 2008
This is What They Mean by Roller Coaster
Let's all hop aboard the emotional express, because at the moment, I feel as if I'm the only one on it. That's the way I feel at least. I hit my first loop in the track yesterday night. I'll tell you the story, but first I have to start off by saying that Friday night I got engaged! I think that's a little part of the ride at the moment.
Saturday night I wanted to go out to the bar to do some karaoke for my birthday that was on Friday. When we got there I found out that it was actually a surprise party! Most of my friends had told me that they couldn't come out with me. I was a little bit bummed showing up to the bar because I didn't think many would get to come. My fiancé and I were supposed to go out to dinner. I wanted Sonic. He said, well why don't we go down to the bar and eat. I kinda got annoyed because I wasn't sure if they were serving food down there. We went down there, and I saw balloons. I figured nothing of it because I know that my mom always does balloons even if there isn't a party for our birthdays. My fiancé and I sat down. All of a sudden our friend Alex shows up. I was surprised to see him down there. We were just sitting there not doing much of anything. The big surprise was when Jenny and Travis came in. Jenny had told me that she couldn't come to my birthday because they were busy planning for a family reunion. I was so surprised.
Later on we found out, that karaoke didn't start until 10:30 because they were doing trivia instead. I thought trivia would be great and be a lot of fun. It was. That was until the loud music started. I don't go to bars that have the music so loud you can't hear anyone talking. I hate that. If I wanted that, I would go to a concert. Hell, even at a concert you can hear the person next to you talking. I became extremely annoyed by that. It didn't help that I was only on two hours of sleep and had worked that morning. I thought that the music would quiet down once they started doing karaoke. I was wrong.
It didn't help much that in between this time people kept asking me questions I didn't know the answer to. When are you getting married? Where is it going to be? Stuff like that. I mean come on people. I was just asked yesterday! We don't have the entire thing planned already. Then came the questions about S, I don't know a ton about her yet. We haven't even met yet. The music, in my mind, kept getting louder and louder. I couldn't think. Everyone was asking me what was wrong, if I was okay, or any other number of questions. I kept getting more and more annoyed. I could barely hear myself think. Finally, I just broke down.
When I broke down crying, I felt even worse because all of my friends had come out there to surprise me, and I was getting annoyed, angry, and then crying. That just made me cry worse. Finally I told mom that I was just stressed out, and that everything was hitting me all at once. I've basically acquired a whole family. I now have 10 siblings. My adoptive sister, my biological brothers and sisters, and my step-brother and sisters. I have aunts and uncles, and a whole new family that I hope will be part of my life. That's 25 years of catching up and getting to know them. I haven't been in their lives for 25 years. It's extremely overwhelming. Then, to top it off, I have a wedding to plan. My fiancé doesn't want to wait a long time, so we are planning for a spring of 2009 wedding. That is stressful all alone, then add on top of it all the other things going on. In the past five days, I have had 2 extreme life changing events happen. I mean, come on guys, these are MAJOR life changing events.
I guess it's hard for anyone who isn't part of the adoption triangle to understand. It's so surreal. One minute you're searching for this person. The next thing you know you're on the phone with them or meeting them. Every time I talk to S on the phone I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up. I know it's real, but it doesn't FEEL real yet. I'm hoping that it does soon!
♥♥♥♥
Saturday night I wanted to go out to the bar to do some karaoke for my birthday that was on Friday. When we got there I found out that it was actually a surprise party! Most of my friends had told me that they couldn't come out with me. I was a little bit bummed showing up to the bar because I didn't think many would get to come. My fiancé and I were supposed to go out to dinner. I wanted Sonic. He said, well why don't we go down to the bar and eat. I kinda got annoyed because I wasn't sure if they were serving food down there. We went down there, and I saw balloons. I figured nothing of it because I know that my mom always does balloons even if there isn't a party for our birthdays. My fiancé and I sat down. All of a sudden our friend Alex shows up. I was surprised to see him down there. We were just sitting there not doing much of anything. The big surprise was when Jenny and Travis came in. Jenny had told me that she couldn't come to my birthday because they were busy planning for a family reunion. I was so surprised.
Later on we found out, that karaoke didn't start until 10:30 because they were doing trivia instead. I thought trivia would be great and be a lot of fun. It was. That was until the loud music started. I don't go to bars that have the music so loud you can't hear anyone talking. I hate that. If I wanted that, I would go to a concert. Hell, even at a concert you can hear the person next to you talking. I became extremely annoyed by that. It didn't help that I was only on two hours of sleep and had worked that morning. I thought that the music would quiet down once they started doing karaoke. I was wrong.
It didn't help much that in between this time people kept asking me questions I didn't know the answer to. When are you getting married? Where is it going to be? Stuff like that. I mean come on people. I was just asked yesterday! We don't have the entire thing planned already. Then came the questions about S, I don't know a ton about her yet. We haven't even met yet. The music, in my mind, kept getting louder and louder. I couldn't think. Everyone was asking me what was wrong, if I was okay, or any other number of questions. I kept getting more and more annoyed. I could barely hear myself think. Finally, I just broke down.
When I broke down crying, I felt even worse because all of my friends had come out there to surprise me, and I was getting annoyed, angry, and then crying. That just made me cry worse. Finally I told mom that I was just stressed out, and that everything was hitting me all at once. I've basically acquired a whole family. I now have 10 siblings. My adoptive sister, my biological brothers and sisters, and my step-brother and sisters. I have aunts and uncles, and a whole new family that I hope will be part of my life. That's 25 years of catching up and getting to know them. I haven't been in their lives for 25 years. It's extremely overwhelming. Then, to top it off, I have a wedding to plan. My fiancé doesn't want to wait a long time, so we are planning for a spring of 2009 wedding. That is stressful all alone, then add on top of it all the other things going on. In the past five days, I have had 2 extreme life changing events happen. I mean, come on guys, these are MAJOR life changing events.
I guess it's hard for anyone who isn't part of the adoption triangle to understand. It's so surreal. One minute you're searching for this person. The next thing you know you're on the phone with them or meeting them. Every time I talk to S on the phone I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up. I know it's real, but it doesn't FEEL real yet. I'm hoping that it does soon!
♥♥♥♥
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